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Dude, Controversy? Uh....What?

And now, because that "Controversial" meme appears to making the rounds a lot, and everyone's being all serious, I think we need to lighten things up a bit...

[01] Do you have the guts to answer these questions and re-post as The Controversial Obnoxious Stupid Obvious Questions Survey?
I am totally obnoxious, stupid, and obvious, so this survey and I are going to have mad bunny lovings in broad daylight.

[02] Would you do meth if it was legalized?
What do you mean, "would"? Are you assuming I don't take it now? Sure, it's an expensive habit when you're consuming half a pound a day, but I think it's totally worth it, since it makes the walls of the trailer home go all fuzzy and purple without spending any money for redecorating. Sure, it makes me grind down what's left of my teeth, but that would happen on smack, too, and this is cheaper, so I can buy more beer, which doesn't need chewing and is like the perfect food, you can look it up on Wikipedia and everything...

But look at me, I'm being a bad host.  I'm cooking up some meth now, would you like a... *BOOM!*

[03] *deleted because I can make it funny, but everyone would hate me*
(and anyway, I'm still recovering from the explosion in [02].)

[04] Do you think the world would fail with a female president?
Oh, totally, and with a male president, too. I'm with Lewis Black; it's time for a dead president. We could prop him up on the podium, and just read the teleprompter for ourselves. I think we got awful close with Kerry's candidacy (no-one can convince me that the man is not a zombie), but what the heck, let's dig up Andrew Jackson. The man looks awesome in sunglasses:



[05] Do you believe in the death penalty?
Yup.  I believe in fairies, too. If you clap hard enough, Tinkerbell will live. That guy on death row probably won't, though.  Bummer, right?  I know.

[06] Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?
Dude! You mean it's not legal? But then, I think we should be encouraging the kids to get on the hard drugs, because it makes them much more capable, you know, right? For instance, that ad where a bunch of stoners are going through a drive-thru, and it takes them, like, four tries to hit the kid on the tricycle? If they were on speed, they'd get it right the first time. Serves the kid right for trying to drive in a major thoroughfare with an uninsured vehicle. That thing didn't have a license plate, or nothing.

...I will miss those hilarious ads, though. They're really funny when you're high.

[07] Are you for or against premarital sex?
I am for those madforbiddenlovings in the night and up against the wall. There is sheer poetry in the naughtiness of touch, and hidden messages in Frederick's of Hollywood lingeries, if only I can decode their meaning. *puff*snort*

[08] Do you believe in God?
After a few pink martinis, I have long conversations with God. I also have long conversations with dogs, mailboxes, and the mole on my left hand. I believe the mole is plotting against me, but I've never caught him at it. Hand me a few more of those prescription tablets, please. Which ones? Oh, surprise me.

[09] Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized?
I think they should legalize everything except sex with children and farm animals that have not clearly signed a letter of consent. If I want to marry my cousin, I should be allowed to... what? You mean that's already legal? Ooooooo, creepy, dude. Have you seen my cousins?

[10] Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the USA?
Que pasa, dude? Got anything better than that Tampico Ditch Weed you brought with you last time? I'm paying you for more than stems and seeds, amigo. What? You're legal? You want a real job and stuff?

Dude! Where the hell am I going to get my weed now?!  Stupid legal immigration.

[11] A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it?
Where did the 12 year old get a baby? Whose is it? And shouldn't she be giving it back? I mean, 12 year olds are terrible babysitters, and I should know, because there was this one time when I was twelve, and I was watching my sister's brother-in-law's baby, and this cute guy called me, and while we were making out on the couch, the baby took apart the microwave. Man, I got in so much trouble for that.

[12] Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen?
It should be lowered to birth. It is total discrimination that kids can't drink, y'know? Like, when I was five, I climbed all the way up to the tall cupboard in the living room to get to the the liquor cabinet, but then I couldn't drink anything, because the instructions on the bottle said "you must be 21 years or older to drink alcohol". I've seriously had trouble with authority ever since then, because the trauma of being refused what I worked so hard to get has scarred me.

...That's why I do drugs. The trauma was terrible. It's not my fault.

[13] Should the war in Iraq be called off?
You can call it anything you like, as far as I'm concerned. In fact, it would be kind of funny to call it "Off", because then we could go into Iran, and call it the "Ir-On and Off Wars". Groovetastic.

[14] Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?
In many cases, I think it should be mandatory. I've got a list of names I keep sending to Dr. Kevorkian, but I never get a response. I've been to his house several times, but I think he's avoiding me.

...Damn restraining orders.


[15] Do you believe in spanking your children?
You keep asking me about my beliefs, and it's totally bumming me out, dude. I believe in spanking the monkey, that's what I believe in, but after a couple of spliffs, it all seems less important than it did before I started.

[16] Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?
I dunno, man, but there's a chick down the street with a lighter and some Queen person wrapped up in a flag, so you might ask her.

[17] Who do you think would make a better president? McCain or Obama?
Whoever dies first man! We need that dead president already!

[18] Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?
Judgement is so totally square, you know? There's no absolutes, so there's no way you can judge me based on a Calvinist model of right and wrong, just by your own ethics, and if doing drugs is wrong, then I don't want to be right...zzzzzz*snore*zzzz...

...what? Oh, dude, hey.

...What was I saying? Uh...

Oh, look, I'm being a bad host - you know, I've got some meth cooking on the stove just in case guests come by. Want some?  The last batch didn't go so good, but I've tweaked the recipe, and I really think this time...
*BOOM!!!*
 

Comments

grumpycarrie
Sep. 25th, 2008 06:49 pm (UTC)
These answers were hilarious!! BTW, I totally agreed with your first set of answers.

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