If I were a direction I'd be…second star on the right, straight on 'til you're lost. There's no cell phone coverage there, and no gas stations, but don't worry, I'll find you. ...eventually.

If I were furniture I’d be … Elizabethan doll's-house furniture. Tiny and impractical.

If I were a liquid I’d be … Aaaaahhh! It burns! It burns!

If I were a sin I’d be … Stealing socks.

If I were a gem/stone I’d be … a Hag Stone (I actually have a couple; they occur naturally on Lindisfarne, and I used to collect them when I was a child. My favourite has fossils embedded in it).

If I were a metal I’d be … a rocket-ship panel, bound for Mars.

If I were a tree I’d be … sitting, waiting to drop a branch on unsuspecting passers-by.

If I were a fruit I’d be … Luscious.

If I were a flower I’d be … Nicotiana. I'm poisonous if you ingest me, but smooth, cool, and only slightly cancerous in other forms.

If I were weather I’d be … Sunset on a Summer day, a lightning storm, and a starry night. Usually all in one day.

If I were a musical instrument I’d be … Harpguitar.

If I were an element I’d be … Promethium.

If I were a colour I’d be … Blacker than black. Pitch black. The black of little emo teenagers' minds, and blacker than the blackest soul. ...That's what I'm told, anyway.

If I were an animal I’d be … a Pika. Or a Tyrannosaurus. It depends on my mood. Maybe a LOLcat.

If I were a sound I’d be … This.

If I were a lyric I’d be … "I sit upon the heather, watching for his sails/ I'll brave the rainy weather, for he has braved the gales...". 

If I were a song I’d be … One of mine.

If I were a music type I’d be … folk/traditional.

If I were a perfume/cologne I’d be … Lavender and Lily of the Valley.

If I were a feeling I’d be … anticipation.

If I were a book I’d be … unbelievable.

If I were food I’d be … a sugar cube with a dash of bitters.

If I were a city I’d be … London (at present, I am a tad homesick).

If I were a taste I’d be … Like nothing you've ever tasted, yet strangely familiar.

If I were a scent I’d be … Flowers on a summer evening.

If I were a word I’d be … Indescribable.

If I were a verb I’d be … transitive.

If I were an object I’d be … Something you trip over when you least expect it.

If I were a piece of clothing I’d be … Vintage '70s. Pleather. Red. Outrageous. (I own this great red pleather jumpsuit...)

If I were a body part I’d be … fingers, getting into things (and trouble).

If I were a facial expression I’d be … Not flattering in photographs.

If I were a cartoon character I’d be … Mina Harker, right?

If I were a movie I’d be … Zombies!

If I were a geometrical figure I’d be … Escher's Circle.

If I were one of the four seasons I’d be … Early Fall.

If I were a sentence I’d be … Grammatically LOL'ed.