attack_laurel (attack_laurel) wrote,

Didn't you always hope these answers about me were true?

I am a naughty, naughty girl, and you will all be getting all sorts of ideas about me from this meme (ganked from laruse ). Of course, I could be lying. Or exaggerating for effect. Or a man. It's the Internet, you'll never know.

1. Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?
Only the girls.  The boys aren't cute enough.  Or rich enough.

2. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night? 
Whenever I want it, it's mine for the taking. 

3. On which side of the bed do you sleep?
Always on the right side, as viewed from the top of the bed. When I'm asleep, the squid creatures come out of my ears, and they like using the left ear more than the right. For this reason, I sleep on my side facing away from Bob, so that the squids don't wake him up when they come out. 

4. Pork, beef, or chicken?

5. Ever have to pull over on side of road to puke? 
I have not only puked on the side of a road (many times), I have puked all over the side of the car.  More than once.  In fact, I have puked all over Anne Arundel County, in one memorable hour-long journey of food poisoning.  I vomit recreationally sometimes, just to pass the time.   

6. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?
My ex-husband had some very strange ideas about "wifely duties", so there is the faint possibilty that I charged him $20 every time he wanted to see me naked.  My fees are much higher now.

7. Shower or bath?
For sex or cleaning?  I prefer to be gently washed by cabana boys, so I guess bath - there's more room.

8. Do you pee in the shower? 
A gentleman does not pee in the shower.  That is reserved for trash cans, out of the windows of moving cars, and memorably once, off the roof of a building.  Let's just say that it's a good thing that fire escapes are made of metal. 

9. Mexican or Chinese?
Egg Foo Tortilla.  The Chang Kai-Shek of salads.

10. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
Preferably well armed.

11. Do you love someone on your friend's list?
I love everyone, and will demonstrate my love for a sufficient payoff.

12. Do you know all the people on your friends list?
I assume they are all figments of my imagination, which makes it much easier to write horrible insulting things in their comments sections.

13. Love or money? 
Money can buy love, silly. 

14. Credit cards or cash?
Who's paying off the bill?

15. Has there ever been anyone in your family you wish wasn't? 
My family is also a figment of my imagination.  My great-Uncle Bardolph was a performing bear in a Chinese circus, and my second cousin twice removed was employed as a booger picker for the Tsarina.

16. Would you rather go camping or to a 5-star hotel?
I will accept the 5 star hotel if I get my own room and unlimited room service.  You may visit when I am ready for you, but I need to get a massage first from Bruno the well-muscled pool boy.  Give me your credit card, and it had better be platinum at minimum.

17. What is the weirdest place you have had sex? 
There is no vanilla sex.  All my exploits are too racy for you plebeian types - your delicate sensibilities would be far too shocked.  You might be able to handle the story about the mountain pass in Peru, with the Alpaca farmer and two llamas, but why take the chance? 

18. Would you shave your entire body (including your head) for money? 
How much?  And I want to be Elased, not shaved.  And moisturized by Bruno. 

19. Have you ever been to a strip club? 
Actually, no.  Hard to believe, I know. 

20. Ever been to a bar? 
Legal and alcoholic.  The alcoholic ones are more laid-back, but those lawyers know how to have a good time if you're up for some boundary-pushing activities.  Keep an open mind, and you'll be fine. 

21. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club?
No, but the lawyers have.

22. Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere?
I have always maintained the ability to walk, even if I don't actually remember it the next day.

23. Kissed someone of the same sex?
Duh.  I've kissed at least one person of every sex (there are nine or so).  Pre-op transsexuals are the sloppiest kissers, but they always have fresh breath.

24. Favorite drink? 
That which is paid for by another.  Gimme that credit card.  I'll give it back at the end of the evening, after I've bought drinks for the entire bar. 

25. Had sex in a movie theater? 
No, but I've been importuned to do so more than once.  Oral doesn't count, right?  Because I've been doing that for money since I first started going to pr0n theaters.  It's a living, you know? 

26. Had sex in a bathroom? 
Beware the hot tap.  And the cold tap.  In fact, stick to the vanity and stay out of the shower at all costs. 

27. Have you ever had sex at work?
Not my workplace, no.

28. Have you ever been in an "adult" store? 
I have spent many happy hours browsing the Ben-Wa balls, and searching for the perfect she-male DVD. 

29. Bought something from an adult store? 
Please.  People buy things for me from that sort of place.   I am so hot, men chase me down the street waving their purchases, in the hope that I will deign to go home with them.  None of them have realized that the best sex toy is a American Express Black card.

30. Have you been caught having sex?
Unintentionally?  No.  And they always want to join in.

31. Does anyone have naughty pics of you?
I am the one who blackmails - no-one blackmails me.  There are no pictures.  And if you want the ones of you back (especially the ones with the nun and the donkey), it will cost you.

32. Have you ever called someone the wrong name during sex?
If you never bother to learn their name, you'll never have to worry about getting it wrong.

33. Who do you think has the guts to repost this?
Well, if they lie like a rug like I did, I assume anyone could.
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