attack_laurel (attack_laurel) wrote,

If The Attack Laurels Ruled the SCA...

Society for Creative Anachronism
New Officer Membership Form
Greetings to all the populous populace of the SCA! We, the registry office in Mil-pity-us (under the auspices of Attack Laurels Unlimited (all rights reserved worldwide and on all other planets )), have decided that we need a more comprehensive set of information on you lot so we can increase our stranglehold on the SCA help you to find the offices and positions within the SCA that are best suited to your skills set. In that spirit, we have created a new Officer membership form so that we can keep just any old riff-raff from being someone important. All information will be kept on file with us and sent out to the relevant Kingdom of Residence when an officer slot opens.
NOTE: This applies to offices at all levels; if we find out that someone has been appointed without our say-so, we’ll be talking suspension of the group at the very least, and possible carpet-bombing of the offending area. Do not cross us! We are all-powerful!
Please fill out the form completely; we like to sit down with a bottle of tequila at parties and read the forms out loud until we laugh ourselves sick.
Section 1 – Basic Information
1. SCA Name:  Roomba the Axe-wielding Italian Courtesan from Scotland
1a. Real Name (like we care, loser):  Suzy Blargh-Jones
2. Height: 4 feet
3. Width: 4 feet
4. Distinguishing Physical Characteristics: 4 feet
5. Allergies: Dust, mold, small carrots, mushrooms, peanuts, pterodactyls, cats, wheat, soy, sugar, green beans, history books, criticism, jocks, (see attached page)
6. Phobias: See above, plus royalty, barons, baronesses, laurels, Knights, and anyone who wasn’t elected to office.
Section 2 – The Past
1. Clubs You Belonged to in High School: Science Club, Chess Club, AV Club, Future Geeks of America (President and Founder)
2. Names You Were Called in High School: Weeb, Geek, Suzy Green-Cheeze-and-Olive-Loaf, Stinky, Rat-Face, Four-Eyes, Four-Square, Fire-Hydrant, That Smelly Girl Who Can’t Do Chin-Ups, (see second attached page)
Section 3 – Hopes and Dreams
1. Office You Want in the SCA: Something Big and Important that gives me control over all the people who made fun of me in High School.
2. Skills You Will Bring to the Job: A complete lack of social skills and a desire to hurt hundreds of people on a daily basis.
3. Awards You Have: Measles Vaccination Certificate, World’s Dweebiest Daughter.
3a. Awards You Think You Deserve: All of them, Duh.
4. Other Skills: Paranoia, the ability to hold a grudge for twenty years (yeah, I’m talking about you, Jeffy Putzenheimer, who wouldn’t kiss me when we played Spin the Bottle), mad flame war skillz, and a really loud voice so I can yell over anyone else talking.
Section 4 – Please tell us (in 50 words or less) why you think you should be an officer in the SCA: 
I want revenge for all the people who did mean stuff to me in school, and I want power so I can rub it into everyone’s face. It’s all about me, me, ME!
Uh, and I’m good at doing stuff. Mostly.
Signed: Roomba
By signing this form, you agree to let us use the information contained herein for any and all purposes we choose, and agree to let us have complete control and disposition of your liver, kidneys, and all other organs we can sell on the black market, even if you’re still using them. 
Section 5 - to be filled out by the Attack Laurels ONLY:

Circular File.  (and see if you can hunt her down and sterilize her before she breeds.)

(Idea by Bob Mellin, who also came up with some of the funnier jokes.  If you like it, all credit goes to him.  If it completely offends you, blame me.)
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