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If The Attack Laurels Ruled the SCA...

Society for Creative Anachronism
New Officer Membership Form
Greetings to all the populous populace of the SCA! We, the registry office in Mil-pity-us (under the auspices of Attack Laurels Unlimited (all rights reserved worldwide and on all other planets )), have decided that we need a more comprehensive set of information on you lot so we can increase our stranglehold on the SCA help you to find the offices and positions within the SCA that are best suited to your skills set. In that spirit, we have created a new Officer membership form so that we can keep just any old riff-raff from being someone important. All information will be kept on file with us and sent out to the relevant Kingdom of Residence when an officer slot opens.
NOTE: This applies to offices at all levels; if we find out that someone has been appointed without our say-so, we’ll be talking suspension of the group at the very least, and possible carpet-bombing of the offending area. Do not cross us! We are all-powerful!
Please fill out the form completely; we like to sit down with a bottle of tequila at parties and read the forms out loud until we laugh ourselves sick.
Section 1 – Basic Information
1. SCA Name:  Roomba the Axe-wielding Italian Courtesan from Scotland
1a. Real Name (like we care, loser):  Suzy Blargh-Jones
2. Height: 4 feet
3. Width: 4 feet
4. Distinguishing Physical Characteristics: 4 feet
5. Allergies: Dust, mold, small carrots, mushrooms, peanuts, pterodactyls, cats, wheat, soy, sugar, green beans, history books, criticism, jocks, (see attached page)
6. Phobias: See above, plus royalty, barons, baronesses, laurels, Knights, and anyone who wasn’t elected to office.
Section 2 – The Past
1. Clubs You Belonged to in High School: Science Club, Chess Club, AV Club, Future Geeks of America (President and Founder)
2. Names You Were Called in High School: Weeb, Geek, Suzy Green-Cheeze-and-Olive-Loaf, Stinky, Rat-Face, Four-Eyes, Four-Square, Fire-Hydrant, That Smelly Girl Who Can’t Do Chin-Ups, (see second attached page)
Section 3 – Hopes and Dreams
1. Office You Want in the SCA: Something Big and Important that gives me control over all the people who made fun of me in High School.
2. Skills You Will Bring to the Job: A complete lack of social skills and a desire to hurt hundreds of people on a daily basis.
3. Awards You Have: Measles Vaccination Certificate, World’s Dweebiest Daughter.
3a. Awards You Think You Deserve: All of them, Duh.
4. Other Skills: Paranoia, the ability to hold a grudge for twenty years (yeah, I’m talking about you, Jeffy Putzenheimer, who wouldn’t kiss me when we played Spin the Bottle), mad flame war skillz, and a really loud voice so I can yell over anyone else talking.
Section 4 – Please tell us (in 50 words or less) why you think you should be an officer in the SCA: 
I want revenge for all the people who did mean stuff to me in school, and I want power so I can rub it into everyone’s face. It’s all about me, me, ME!
Uh, and I’m good at doing stuff. Mostly.
Signed: Roomba
By signing this form, you agree to let us use the information contained herein for any and all purposes we choose, and agree to let us have complete control and disposition of your liver, kidneys, and all other organs we can sell on the black market, even if you’re still using them. 
Section 5 - to be filled out by the Attack Laurels ONLY:

Circular File.  (and see if you can hunt her down and sterilize her before she breeds.)

(Idea by Bob Mellin, who also came up with some of the funnier jokes.  If you like it, all credit goes to him.  If it completely offends you, blame me.)


( 63 brains — Leave a chunk of brain! )
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Oct. 17th, 2007 11:24 am (UTC)
I think I know Roomba!
Oct. 17th, 2007 11:25 am (UTC)
ooooohhhhhh dear. :)
Oct. 17th, 2007 11:55 am (UTC)
Oh Thanks! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get chewed up spoon sized shredded wheat out of a laptop keyboard!!!

Hehehe....I've met this SCAdian....and her equally ...ummmm..attractive and bitter younger sister
Oct. 17th, 2007 12:02 pm (UTC)
Oh my God, there's two of them?!
(no subject) - thatpotteryguy - Oct. 17th, 2007 12:43 pm (UTC) - Expand
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(no subject) - attack_laurel - Oct. 17th, 2007 01:35 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - hazebrouck - Oct. 17th, 2007 02:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
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Oct. 17th, 2007 12:17 pm (UTC)
You are so full of win! :D
Oct. 17th, 2007 12:53 pm (UTC)
Oct. 17th, 2007 12:18 pm (UTC)
Wow...most excellent.
Oct. 17th, 2007 12:28 pm (UTC)
I'm a simple man...so it was the "four-square" that had me in tears laughing...
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 17th, 2007 12:45 pm (UTC)
You poor man. They have a shot for that, now. Contact your physician immediately. Don't live in shame any longer.
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - heatermcca - Oct. 17th, 2007 12:51 pm (UTC) - Expand
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(no subject) - heatermcca - Oct. 17th, 2007 02:19 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - syaldia - Oct. 17th, 2007 09:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - attack_laurel - Oct. 17th, 2007 12:54 pm (UTC) - Expand
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(no subject) - hazebrouck - Oct. 17th, 2007 02:05 pm (UTC) - Expand
Oct. 17th, 2007 01:00 pm (UTC)
I'm so writing a response to this over in my lj. Give me a bit to get my morning glass of water out of my keyboard, and some caffeine intake. You're IN for it, lady!
Oct. 17th, 2007 07:59 pm (UTC)
It's crunchy, but it's webbed!

ALL your fault.
Oct. 17th, 2007 01:01 pm (UTC)
So *that's* what that noise was...that officer's thighs going "Roomba, roomba, roomba" as she strode purposefully across the room to accost someone....
Oct. 17th, 2007 02:11 pm (UTC)
*dies of the omgfunny as pictures this*
(no subject) - valkyr8 - Oct. 17th, 2007 03:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
Oct. 17th, 2007 01:05 pm (UTC)
*snerk *reflux... OW.
what a nice way to come back from the conference. :>
You made my morning.
Oct. 17th, 2007 01:49 pm (UTC)

Oh dear *giggle* teh funnieh -- maek it stop! *dies and iz ded from teh funnieh*

I was at school with Roomba. And her kid sister. Fortunately I never dated either of them.
Oct. 17th, 2007 02:01 pm (UTC)
I swear, we're running up against Roomba while trying to establish a stronghold here. Evidently, she has a loooooong memory and likes to take her frustration and anger out on people who have the misfortune to be in the same geographical area as folx who've pissed her off, even though most of us weren't in the country when some bad schtuff when down.


I'm laughing, but oh, it's painful.
Oct. 17th, 2007 02:03 pm (UTC)
For the last 8 words (allowed. It's not like any true Smug would pay attention to the rules) in section four:
"This is a paid or gifted position, right?"

I have yet to run into one that doesn't expect money or gifts ALL THE TIME and get very upset when you don't have any money or the prettiest of pretties to give them.
Oct. 17th, 2007 03:11 pm (UTC)
...the hell? What part of "volunteer organization" do they miss?
(no subject) - isabelladangelo - Oct. 17th, 2007 04:58 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - heatermcca - Oct. 17th, 2007 08:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
Oct. 17th, 2007 02:04 pm (UTC)
yikes! I know this person. I was friends with this person until her crazy drove me (and many others) away. *shudder*

Oct. 17th, 2007 02:08 pm (UTC)
What really worries me about this is that someone in Mil-pity-us thinks that being an SCA officer makes you important. Which makes me think that Roomba created this form.
Oct. 17th, 2007 02:23 pm (UTC)
It's part of the sneaky plan the Attack Laurels have to take over running the entire SCA their way. Shhh, don't tell anyone I told you.
Oct. 17th, 2007 02:23 pm (UTC)
Funny thing? I think there were some early members who would have filled this form out just as you have predicted. :)
Oct. 17th, 2007 02:24 pm (UTC)
The best humour is firmly rooted in truth, I always say. :P
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( 63 brains — Leave a chunk of brain! )

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