December 20th, 2011

painful death isobel

Things You Should Know...

I couldn't resist.

pinkleader started a Chuck Norris-style compilation of "Isobel 'Attack Laurel' Bedingfield Facts" on Facebook, and everyone joined in.  She sent it to me at my request (to put on the Attack Laurel pages), and I had to post it here.  I've tidied it up a bit to make it easier to read in LJ format, but otherwise left it alone.  Contributors other than pinkleader are denoted by their names in italics.  My commentary is in small font after some of the "facts".

Really, I laughed so hard, I cried.

Isobel "Attack Laurel" Bedingfield facts:
November 21 at 10:56am

- Isobel nibbles on apprentices for breakfast.
- Despite them not being period, Isobel carries a pack of red ink pens with her at all times so she can correct anything in her path.
- Isobel doesn't catch colds, they flee in terror.
Avery adds: heh....Isobel once raised an eyebrow at Chuck Norris....he promptly ran screaming. (see, I am helping)
- If Isobel purses her lips in distaste at an object, it bursts into flame.
Delphina the Madd adds: Isobel's documentation papers are written in the blood of fallen apprentices.
- Isobel keeps pet vultures to help get rid of the bodies...
Avery adds to Delphina:....and Isobel does not use vellum for her papers....let's just say there is more than one way to skin an apprentice.
- Even Arnold Schwarzenegger in his steroid and drug use days wouldn't make a pass at Isobel for fear of losing his twig and berries.
Delphina: Isobel often uses the Necronomicon as source material in her documentation.
- Nuns haven't used rulers for punishment for a while, ever since they got the life size cardboard Isobel to keep in the classroom.
- Pshaw! Isobel is IN the Necromonicon! (Technically not true.  I WROTE the Necronomicon.)
Delphina: If you look closely, Isobel is in the background on the back of 100 dollar bills...
- Isobel doesn't just have a fair complexion, the melanin is hiding in fear.
- Isobel doesn't dye her hair red, she's shocked it that way.
Delphina: Isobel knows where Jimmy Hoffa is...
- Isobel has a tale-tell heart under her bedroom floor. She finds it comforting.
Delphina: Caligula once asked Isobel for pointers..
- Isobel turned down Napoleon as an apprentice because he wasn't ambitious enough.
Wistric Often: That new archaeological dig in England? Every piece in it has Isobel's signature on it.
Sir Christian: When you play a certain Lost Cause song backwards it says Isobel is Lord Voldemort.
Delphina: If there was a nuclear holocaust tomorrow, the only survivors would be cockroaches, twinkies, and Isobel.
Eadric: Isobel regularly hikes where angels fear to tread. They fear to tread there because it is where Isobel hikes.
Elisabeth MacAlester: No, I'm the one with the pens. Isobel always has a sharpened quill and an apprentice at her side as a source for red "ink."
Gianetta Veronese ‎@Christian - good thing she's not on FB or she'd rip out your heart for suggesting she is a mere 'lord'. ;)
Clare de Crecy: Isobel is Voldemart's boggart.
Lisette: So feared that I fear for those of you said the name of "She Who Shall Not Be Named".
Celia of Rosedale: Isobel turned down Gengis Khan as an apprentice for being too gentle
- Scholars are renaming the Elizabethan Era to the Isobelian Era.
- Isobel isn't on FB because she doesn't have friends, she only has minions, enemies, and those who require oppression.
- Isobel turned down the Countess of Bathory as an apprentice because she was too messy.
- Isobel thinks zombies are cute. Zombies think Isobel is terrifying!
Kynny: If your snoring is keeping her awake, she'll stand by your bedside and say "Roll over, or I will kill you." You will roll over, I promise. (Note:  This story is true, but I said "stop snoring or I will kill you".  Isobel is nothing if not accurate.)
Celia: Isobel invented the universal "perfect" shade of pink(TM) by mixing the blood of her apprentices with milk to feed the baby vultures
- The blood of others apprentices! Isobel would never take one so useless.
- The Geneva conventions outlawed Isobel as cruel and unusual punishment.  (This one is my favourite.)
Avery: Proof that Isobel is all this and more....she married a barrister. (what, we aren't gonna drag Robert into this, too? ~grin and duck~)
Corun: Chuck Norris fears Isobel because his karate is not period.
And then Avery added: Isobel's apprentices don't wear ruffs. They wear cones of shame.