Dear George Clooney,
I hear that you are single again. While I understand that you have a pattern of dating beautiful Hollywood stars for a couple of years and then moving on, may I suggest something new? Please move in with us.
I think that we could be very happy together, even if we only had two years in which to develop our relationship. Our house, while small, does have a guest bedroom that is at your disposal, and we have enough room in the yard to land a helicopter, as long as you are careful of the cedar tree and the rabbits (who like to sit on the lawn and eat the stale bread I throw on the compost heap). We offer all modern conveniences, except really reliable internet, but I am sure a man of your means will be able to persuade Verizon to add more coverage in this area.
We have seen most of your movies, except the one where you and Catherine Zeta-Jones are spies, because that one seemed kind of boring. But we did like The Men Who Stare at Goats, and Dusk til Dawn is a perennial favourite in this house, as we like to quote lines from the movie at each other ("Psychos? Do psychos explode when exposed to sunlight?!"), and giggle immoderately.
Yes, we are not famous, nor are we Hollywood stars (or particularly beautiful). But I think that you would enjoy our company, as we, too, have quirky senses of humour, not to mention a huge collection of board games (and a thrift store nearby where we can easily purchase more should you get bored). We also have sixty acres of woods in which you can play paintball with the paparazzi (assuming they find us), and, should the need arise, hide a body.
We are not asking for marriage*, we are simpy suggesting a threesome - me, Bob (my husband) and
Hoping to hear from you soon,
*According to Chelsea Lately, George has a Google Alert set up for any mentions of his name and marriage.