I feel pretty good about my life. I also feel pretty good about my body, up to and including refusing diet talk and body-shaming myself (okay, I'm working on that).
I am awesome. And as we know, pride is one of the Seven Deadly Sins (also known as the fun things about life, and/or the easy way out), so clearly, I am going to Hell.
If I believed in Hell. According to the Christian Right, disbelief in Hell also guarantees my eventual installation in the fiery depths. I'll be seeing a lot of y'all there, too, if the Fundies are right, so we'll have a meet n' greet. I'll even cater the food – because I'm pretty sure that all the food in Hell is of the scary, but oddly bland kind that comes out of a can, a box, or both.
Yes, the food stinks, but it's cheap, and you get Devil Dogs for dessert if you play your cards right.
The bland unwholesomeness of the food in Hell will only be matched by its incredible variety – chicken in a can? Cheese in a can? Things you didn't even know you could get in a can?
It doesn't stop there – of course, the US-centric side of Hell is going to be appalled by such things as Haggis in a can, so it's not hard to gross out the unadventurous, but you know Hell isn't that predictable.
No, Hell reserves only the saddest of processed foods for its unwilling denizens, as taste, spice, savor, and toothsomeness are all forbidden in the presence of the Prince of Darkness. The food on your table will be salty, but surprisingly unflavoured. But then, you weren't expecting to enjoy yourself in Hell, were you?
It all started with the TV Dinner, but that was only a pilot study by Satan's minions, just testing the waters, so to speak. Once it was established that people would eat pretty much anything as long as it was convenient, Hell became replete with terrible versions of delicious food, culminating in the Antichrist's favourite – Lunchables (Now with special versions for toddlers! Because Satan has no shame).
Even dieters cannot escape the foul hand of the Lord of the Flies – for those of you on an eternal diet (you'll never lose weight, btw), the only food you will be permitted is canned bananas (trust me, they exist), and PB&J in a can.
The rest of you get cheeseburgers (in a can, of course).
Don't worry – we've even got you covered for breakfast, with such delights as frozen sausage sandwiches in a box, Pop Tarts in unexpected flavours, frozen "waffles", and, of course…
(Ha, ha, ha! Satan truly lives! Such a product could only come from the blackest depths of Hell!)
And, if you make it all the way to the Ninth Circle of Hell, then all the delights of Hell's frozen food selection await you. From pasta to… pasta, your needs will remain unfulfilled. As for dessert, well, even that can be ruined beyond your wildest dreams! Nothing, absolutely nothing can equal the permanent sense of vague dissatisfaction you'll experience every day.
And even the Devil isn't above a little humor now and then. He just loves that people will eat anything.
There is just so much food to choose from, but so little variety in taste! It's Hell! But then, you knew that.
By the way, did we mention that in Hell, you're always hungry and the 24 hour drive-thru just closed?
("Sure, we're open 24 hours, just not in a row.")