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I Hope They Serve Baconnaise in Hell


I feel pretty good about my life. I also feel pretty good about my body, up to and including refusing diet talk and body-shaming myself (okay, I'm working on that).

I am awesome. And as we know, pride is one of the Seven Deadly Sins (also known as the fun things about life, and/or the easy way out), so clearly, I am going to Hell.

If I believed in Hell. According to the Christian Right, disbelief in Hell also guarantees my eventual installation in the fiery depths. I'll be seeing a lot of y'all there, too, if the Fundies are right, so we'll have a meet n' greet. I'll even cater the food – because I'm pretty sure that all the food in Hell is of the scary, but oddly bland kind that comes out of a can, a box, or both.

Yes, the food stinks, but it's cheap, and you get Devil Dogs for dessert if you play your cards right.

The bland unwholesomeness of the food in Hell will only be matched by its incredible variety – chicken in a can? Cheese in a can? Things you didn't even know you could get in a can?

It doesn't stop there – of course, the US-centric side of Hell is going to be appalled by such things as Haggis in a can, so it's not hard to gross out the unadventurous, but you know Hell isn't that predictable.

Or kind.

No, Hell reserves only the saddest of processed foods for its unwilling denizens, as taste, spice, savor, and toothsomeness are all forbidden in the presence of the Prince of Darkness. The food on your table will be salty, but surprisingly unflavoured. But then, you weren't expecting to enjoy yourself in Hell, were you?

Foolish Sinners.

It all started with the TV Dinner, but that was only a pilot study by Satan's minions, just testing the waters, so to speak. Once it was established that people would eat pretty much anything as long as it was convenient, Hell became replete with terrible versions of delicious food, culminating in the Antichrist's favourite – Lunchables (Now with special versions for toddlers! Because Satan has no shame).

Even dieters cannot escape the foul hand of the Lord of the Flies – for those of you on an eternal diet (you'll never lose weight, btw), the only food you will be permitted is canned bananas (trust me, they exist), and PB&J in a can.

The rest of you get cheeseburgers (in a can, of course).

Don't worry – we've even got you covered for breakfast, with such delights as frozen sausage sandwiches in a box, Pop Tarts in unexpected flavours, frozen "waffles", and, of course…

bacon.

(Ha, ha, ha! Satan truly lives! Such a product could only come from the blackest depths of Hell!)

And, if you make it all the way to the Ninth Circle of Hell, then all the delights of Hell's frozen food selection await you. From pasta to… pasta, your needs will remain unfulfilled. As for dessert, well, even that can be ruined beyond your wildest dreams! Nothing, absolutely nothing can equal the permanent sense of vague dissatisfaction you'll experience every day.

And even the Devil isn't above a little humor now and then. He just loves that people will eat anything.

There is just so much food to choose from, but so little variety in taste! It's Hell! But then, you knew that.

By the way, did we mention that in Hell, you're always hungry and the 24 hour drive-thru just closed?

("Sure, we're open 24 hours, just not in a row.")


Comments

( 45 brains — Leave a chunk of brain! )
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yzzy
Sep. 16th, 2010 04:00 pm (UTC)
Whooohoo! Wait, why am I in this handbasket?
I do suspect that if the Fundie Right has it correct, that I may have a corner office overlooking the lake of fire. See you at the "company" picnic! I will bring Squeeze Bacon. :-)
eggies_red_dres
Sep. 16th, 2010 04:02 pm (UTC)
Our exciting meet and greet should also be called the 'Kaboom Room'. Who doesn't love macaroni and cheese marketing ripoffs?
aeliakirith
Sep. 16th, 2010 04:04 pm (UTC)
But...but I *like* Pop-Tarts
Even if pumpkin pie Pop-Tarts sound weird.

Thanks for this; it was hilarious. I'm Christian, but by Fundie standards I'm totally going to hell...I'll bring the marshmallows?
soldiergrrrl
Sep. 16th, 2010 04:10 pm (UTC)
Re: But...but I *like* Pop-Tarts
Oooh! Save me a seat, will you? (My poor Baptist MIL is *sure* my husband and I are going to hell, 'cause we're Orthodox Christians and worship idols.)
Re: But...but I *like* Pop-Tarts - aeliakirith - Sep. 16th, 2010 04:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: But...but I *like* Pop-Tarts - sorchekyrkby - Sep. 16th, 2010 09:02 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: But...but I *like* Pop-Tarts - aeliakirith - Sep. 21st, 2010 02:18 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: But...but I *like* Pop-Tarts - sorchekyrkby - Sep. 16th, 2010 04:51 pm (UTC) - Expand
taamar
Sep. 16th, 2010 04:11 pm (UTC)
So it will be like school lunch without the option of ketchup? And will there be those corn dogs that are breakfast sausage dipped in pancake batter?
attack_laurel
Sep. 17th, 2010 02:43 pm (UTC)
Heh. And only the cheap knock-off maple syrup that's made from corn syrup and flavouring.

*evil*
(Deleted comment)
attack_laurel
Sep. 17th, 2010 02:44 pm (UTC)
The Devil doesn't approve of miracles in any form. :P
hugh_mannity
Sep. 16th, 2010 04:30 pm (UTC)
I'll bring the beer, but I suspect it will all be Bud Light. Or Watneys -- I'm sure that His Eminence has a good supply of Party Sevens stashed away somewhere. If not he's got the marketing guys and the chemist brewers of the original, so he can get it made.
sorchekyrkby
Sep. 16th, 2010 04:52 pm (UTC)
Nah, probably not Bud Light. Probably Black Label. Or Fosters.
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - brickhousewench - Sep. 16th, 2010 05:54 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - baronessadriana - Sep. 16th, 2010 06:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - aeliakirith - Sep. 16th, 2010 06:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - attack_laurel - Sep. 17th, 2010 02:44 pm (UTC) - Expand
heatermcca
Sep. 16th, 2010 04:33 pm (UTC)
No, see, in Hell, I'll have a passel of hungry kids and the only available Lunchables will be the ones that they don't like.
hsifeng
Sep. 16th, 2010 06:07 pm (UTC)
I just threw out a jar of Baconnaise yesterday. No joke. How did I come to acquire this horrid bottle of crap fascinating party favor? Someone gave it to my husband.

Because he likes bacon.

blank look

Right. So, I like ______.*

Please don’t give me a can of ______ mixed liberally with mayonnaise and consider it a “great gift!”. Or be shocked when I chuck it…


*Mad Libs fun time kids, I am too sleepy to come up with a fun noun for these sentences, please fill in for yourselves! ;)
aeliakirith
Sep. 16th, 2010 06:33 pm (UTC)
Now I have to fill in the blanks...

-Chocolate
-Vodka
-Ponies

(no subject) - hsifeng - Sep. 16th, 2010 06:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - sskipstress - Sep. 16th, 2010 10:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - hsifeng - Sep. 16th, 2010 10:29 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - stephanie_d_g - Sep. 17th, 2010 02:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - attack_laurel - Sep. 17th, 2010 02:45 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - hsifeng - Sep. 17th, 2010 03:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
stringmonkey
Sep. 16th, 2010 06:25 pm (UTC)
I think you've got it all wrong. The food in Hell is gonna rock! Remember, God hates shellfish, rabbit, pork, leavened bread during Passover, and any combination of meat with dairy product.
tudorlady
Sep. 16th, 2010 08:16 pm (UTC)
Which means cheeseburgers are totally cool. See ya there! It's going to be a hell of a party, eh?
(no subject) - attack_laurel - Sep. 17th, 2010 02:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
aeliakirith
Sep. 16th, 2010 06:28 pm (UTC)
Bacon cheeseburgers for everyone then! (Ooh, that sounds really good...)
baronesspixie
Sep. 16th, 2010 06:56 pm (UTC)
I strongly suspect that the food in hell will be vitamin rich, luscious fruits and vegetables from the farmers' market, grass-fed beef, free range poultry and bread from organically grown wheat. We'll drink good wine and beer, and the cooking will be done with seasonings that are unadulterated.

Why? Because my conservative Christian acquaintances tell me that caring about this stuff like I do is as stupid as believing in "man-made global warming" - always said or typed with scorn. When I posted about the Salmonella outbreak in the egg industry, they were all quick to inform readers on my facebook page that they were still ok with buying aged, regular eggs at the grocery store, and I was deluded to believe a fresh egg from a local farm, from well-treated free-range chickens, would be safer or taste better. One even wished me food poisoning from my fresh food, via email.

As to the wine, at least around here, they still won't even allow it in grocery stores. It's the devil's stuff you know.

I firmly believed they all expect to get served their pre-fab, processed food and Crystal Light in heaven, therefore, I'm afraid it's fresh and local for the lot of us in hell.
attack_laurel
Sep. 17th, 2010 02:47 pm (UTC)
I think the very fundamentalist types should end up in the land they have created with their scorched earth policies.
baronessadriana
Sep. 16th, 2010 07:03 pm (UTC)
What about canned unicorn meat?

"Excellent source of sparkles!"

There's even a handy chart* to help you determine the different cuts...



*Image is from www.thinkgeek.com

Edited at 2010-09-16 07:19 pm (UTC)
ulfhirtha
Sep. 16th, 2010 08:31 pm (UTC)
oh my...canned Unicorn...so deliciously evil :-D
(no subject) - stringmonkey - Sep. 16th, 2010 08:36 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - albreda - Sep. 27th, 2010 06:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
mistressrhi
Sep. 16th, 2010 09:06 pm (UTC)
I want you to know that I'm having to cross myself as I snicker... *sigh*
niniae
Sep. 16th, 2010 11:15 pm (UTC)
OMG, Baconnaise is real?? As in you can actually buy it in a grocery store?? And it's bacon mixed with mayonnaise?? I thought you were kidding!

nq3x
Sep. 17th, 2010 01:00 am (UTC)
If I believed in Hell. According to the Christian Right, disbelief in Hell also guarantees my eventual installation in the fiery depths.

Convenient, that. ;-)
attack_laurel
Sep. 17th, 2010 02:48 pm (UTC)
Heads I win, tails you lose. :P
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