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I'm not Proud or Principled...


Dear Atlantic:

I think you should hire me to write online articles for you. Not only am I a hip and with-it "blogista" who is in touch with the "youth generation", I am reasonably well educated, as evidenced by the fact that I got into Cambridge University (though I am a hip non-conformist, and therefore did not actually get a degree, since degrees are capitulation to the Man). I feel that you and I would be a good fit as far as writing goes, since, unlike Megan McArdle, I actually read the books I am reviewing for you.
I look forward to our successful and lucrative partnership.

Sincerely,
Attack Laurel

Dear New York Times:

I think you should hire me to write articles for you. Not only am I an upper-middle class married woman with no children, I am able to write pseudo-conservative articles at the drop of a hat, since I have absolutely no problem shilling for vast amounts of money. I feel that you and I would be a good fit, since, unlike David Brooks, I can actually write articles that make sense, instead of stringing random sentences together and hoping that an article magically appears.
I look forward to our extended and well-paid partnership.

Sincerely,
Attack Laurel (Mrs.)

Dear Wall Street Journal:

I think you should hire me to write articles for you. I am at least as smart ass as all of your other op-ed writers, and I'm a lot prettier, not to mention that I am a lot less likely to embarrass you by writing articles that are patently untrue. I know that I lack a penis, which is a serious shortcoming as far as your editors are concerned, but I can wear a strap-on if it makes you more comfortable.

Sincerely,
Attack Laurel (no fixed abode.)

Dear New York Times (again):

No, Seriously. What do I have to do to get a job with you guys? I can write anything you want, in any way you want, and I promise not to sound like a flaming liberal most of the time. Really, I can write a hell of a lot better that that Ross Douthat fellow, and I'm a damn sight less scared of women's girly bits (seeing as I have them) and gay people. Also, you need to fire that David Brooks guy, he's a fucking idiot. C'mon, hire me! I can write coherently! Unlike those guys!

Sincerely,
Attack Laurel (WTF.)

Dear Fox News:

Since the writing career is not working out so well for me, I think you should hire me to be a commentator for you. Yes, I am a bit of a liberal, but I hide it well, and I do have some libertarian leanings, so you know, we have some things in common, which is more than can be said for most marriages, at any rate. Also, I am much less wrong about everything than that Bill Kristol guy, who seems to be wrong about 99% of the time, so maybe you could replace him with me, since I am only wrong about 40% of the time.

Sincerely looking for spending money and not caring how I get it,
Attack Laurel (amoral moneygrubber.)

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Comments

( 15 brains — Leave a chunk of brain! )
katmoonshaker
Sep. 13th, 2010 01:17 pm (UTC)
You, my dear, have made my morning!!
(Deleted comment)
snailstichr
Sep. 13th, 2010 01:39 pm (UTC)
Boy, its a good thing I read this before the coffee was ready - or it would be all over the monitor!
attack_laurel
Sep. 13th, 2010 01:41 pm (UTC)
Hee! I'm glad y'all like it.
degracieuse
Sep. 13th, 2010 03:29 pm (UTC)
I had to lol! since I'm european I may be less aware of the shortcomings of those under siege but the writing was savy enough to get the message across.
colsith
Sep. 13th, 2010 05:29 pm (UTC)
I would hire you...but I am a liberal hack, so would not count.
hsifeng
Sep. 13th, 2010 05:39 pm (UTC)
Oh no you don't. I love you, but I *can't* be forced to watch FOX news just because you happen to rock my world in so many ways be on it.

I am putting my foot down.

And yes, I know I should have done that when you tried to pimp yourself to the Times (the first time around).
tacnukesoul
Sep. 13th, 2010 06:46 pm (UTC)
I love you dearly, but I didn't need to image of you in a strapon.

Now that it's an unpleasant image (I trust you'd carry it off fetchingly and with aplomb) but I wasn't ready for that first thing in the morning. Frankly, I'm not sure anyone should have to deal with anyone else's erections (real or artificial) first thing in the morning before at least a cup of tea.

Also, I think it's a case of false advertising that a book called "Sex at Dawn" doesn't address this important issue, instead going on about bonobos who, despite all the similarities with humans, don't seem to suffer from this problem even though they don't have tea.
florentinescot
Sep. 13th, 2010 06:59 pm (UTC)
but you are made of win and cookies!
landverhuizer
Sep. 13th, 2010 07:18 pm (UTC)
Oh, much thanks for the chuckle, I enjoyed it immensely

me (yeah, just me)
bauhausfrau
Sep. 13th, 2010 08:46 pm (UTC)
LMAO!

Now I totally want to read Sex at Dawn.
elasait
Sep. 13th, 2010 10:56 pm (UTC)
Fortunately, I did not have anything liquid near my mouth or computer as I'm sure I would have spewed it or knocked it over as I rolled helplessly about chortling.
jubilima
Sep. 13th, 2010 11:40 pm (UTC)
SO FUNNY!!!
thatpotteryguy
Sep. 14th, 2010 03:43 pm (UTC)
"Dear Wall Street Journal:

I think you should hire me to write articles for you. I am at least as smart ass as all of your other op-ed writers, and I'm a lot prettier, not to mention that I am a lot less likely to embarrass you by writing articles that are patently untrue. I know that I lack a penis, which is a serious shortcoming as far as your editors are concerned, but I can wear a strap-on if it makes you more comfortable.

Sincerely,
Attack Laurel"

ROTFLMAO
rikibeth
Sep. 15th, 2010 01:06 am (UTC)
&hearts

that is all.
( 15 brains — Leave a chunk of brain! )

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