attack_laurel (attack_laurel) wrote,
attack_laurel
attack_laurel

I'm not Proud or Principled...


Dear Atlantic:

I think you should hire me to write online articles for you. Not only am I a hip and with-it "blogista" who is in touch with the "youth generation", I am reasonably well educated, as evidenced by the fact that I got into Cambridge University (though I am a hip non-conformist, and therefore did not actually get a degree, since degrees are capitulation to the Man). I feel that you and I would be a good fit as far as writing goes, since, unlike Megan McArdle, I actually read the books I am reviewing for you.
I look forward to our successful and lucrative partnership.

Sincerely,
Attack Laurel

Dear New York Times:

I think you should hire me to write articles for you. Not only am I an upper-middle class married woman with no children, I am able to write pseudo-conservative articles at the drop of a hat, since I have absolutely no problem shilling for vast amounts of money. I feel that you and I would be a good fit, since, unlike David Brooks, I can actually write articles that make sense, instead of stringing random sentences together and hoping that an article magically appears.
I look forward to our extended and well-paid partnership.

Sincerely,
Attack Laurel (Mrs.)

Dear Wall Street Journal:

I think you should hire me to write articles for you. I am at least as smart ass as all of your other op-ed writers, and I'm a lot prettier, not to mention that I am a lot less likely to embarrass you by writing articles that are patently untrue. I know that I lack a penis, which is a serious shortcoming as far as your editors are concerned, but I can wear a strap-on if it makes you more comfortable.

Sincerely,
Attack Laurel (no fixed abode.)

Dear New York Times (again):

No, Seriously. What do I have to do to get a job with you guys? I can write anything you want, in any way you want, and I promise not to sound like a flaming liberal most of the time. Really, I can write a hell of a lot better that that Ross Douthat fellow, and I'm a damn sight less scared of women's girly bits (seeing as I have them) and gay people. Also, you need to fire that David Brooks guy, he's a fucking idiot. C'mon, hire me! I can write coherently! Unlike those guys!

Sincerely,
Attack Laurel (WTF.)

Dear Fox News:

Since the writing career is not working out so well for me, I think you should hire me to be a commentator for you. Yes, I am a bit of a liberal, but I hide it well, and I do have some libertarian leanings, so you know, we have some things in common, which is more than can be said for most marriages, at any rate. Also, I am much less wrong about everything than that Bill Kristol guy, who seems to be wrong about 99% of the time, so maybe you could replace him with me, since I am only wrong about 40% of the time.

Sincerely looking for spending money and not caring how I get it,
Attack Laurel (amoral moneygrubber.)

Tags: humour, sarcasm
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