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PUA? Ptooie!

There's an interesting article at Pandagon (read the update, too) about a discussion on the PUA (Pick-Up Artist) movement, and how it is really, really, really misogynistic and evil, and doesn't seem to actually help guys get laid, but does give them a chance to "revenge" themselves on "stuck-up bitches" who won't have sex with them.  This is achieved by writing vile woman-hating blog posts boasting about how they "showed the stuck-up hoes" by insulting the women they go to bars to meet.

Seriously, it's a nasty nasty thing - based on the idea that women all think alike, and are not people, merely obstacles to be pushed past to achieve the ultimate prize of the Vag.  It's guaranteed, supposedly, though I can't see most of the men who stoop this low in a desperate effort to get laid actually admitting they've failed, and asking for their money back.  No, the embarrassment would be too great, since it's also very big on patriarchal stereotypes of men "winning" - and if they don't "win" by tricking a woman into sex, then they're not an "alpha male", but a "beta male" who is too weak to grab the pussy by force and/or subterfuge.

(This idea of "winning" means that women lose, btw.  This is a view of dating that categorically denies any agency to the women these men are so desperate to fuck - again, they're obstacles to be overcome, not people to get to know.)

One commenter in the first article bemoaned the fact that there isn't any non-misogynistic information out there for guys to learn from (which isn't true, but certain men seem to want an easy fix, believing that dating has a wonder pill that guarantees instant weight loss, or something).  So, in the interest of making bars and nightclubs and all public and private spaces more pleasant for 51% of the population, I hereby present:


Guys!  Want to meet, date, and maybe have a long term relationship with WOMEN?  It's easy! 

Three Simple Steps to Dating Guaranteed!  Full refund if not successful!*

1.  Women are people.  As such, they are each unique in their likes, dislikes, sense of humour, and what they find attractive.  Treating all women as if they're the same doesn't work.  Introduce yourself without using a cheesy pick-up line or negs (Google it; I'm not providing any of those disgusting sites with the traffic), but with your name.  Ask her hers.  Ask her about herself.  Tell her what you do.  If she seems uninterested (HINT:  Lack of eye contact and one-word answers indicate lack of interest!), smile, wish her a good evening, and move on.  Don't dwell, don't call her a bad name, don't persist or follow her around, demanding to know why she isn't interested, it's wasting your time and hers.  Move on!  introduce yourself to another woman - smile, tell her your name, ask her how she is!  Tell her she seems interesting!  Ask her about herself!  If she's not interested, Move on!


2.  Don't expect sex from every woman you meet.  In fact, it's a good idea to make more women your friends without expecting sex, since they are then more likely to tell you if you're doing something creepy that puts women off (for instance:  being bitter, going on angry tirades about women, expecting sex from every woman you meet).   Don't get mad when your women friends tell you what you're doing wrong, listen to them!  (BIG HINT:  Listening to women and actually paying attention to what they're telling you is a big turn-on.)  Try to alter your habits, grooming, or behaviour to eliminate things that aren't working for you - you don't have to turn yourself into an extrovert if you're an introvert, but learn to speak in something other than a whispery monotone if your woman friends tell you your voice scares them.


3.  Stop dismissing women who aren't "9+" in looks.  In fact, stop rating women as if they're cattle completely.  If you're not a supermodel yourself, or obscenely rich, you don't rate a supermodel girlfriend.  But that woman who is close to your age, with a nice smile and a similar interest in books?  You might like her if you ever break free from arbitrary rules about what society thinks is attractive.  Looks fade, but shared interests make for fantastic relationships and good friends.


Life is not about sex - it's not the be-all and end-all of success.  Life is actually much more enriching and satisfying if you have trusted friends and lovers who share your likes and know exactly why you think Dark City is better than Blade Runner, and love you anyway.  Treating women as less than human, as enemies, or as Other in some way means that you will never have a meaningful connection with anyone, and that your only "companions" will be other embittered lonely men who have never worked out that the one constant in all their failed relationships is them.  Wallowing in bitterness and self-pity is not attractive.

Special Bonus Section!

"But Attack", I hear you say, "How can I tell if a woman is interested in me?  I have a hard time knowing what to do!"

There are a couple of simple things to remember.  One is that most women are not interested in sex the instant they meet you, and do not evaluate every encounter with a man as a possible sexual come-on, so the fact that a woman replies to you when you start peppering her with questions does not mean she likes you.**

The second thing is that you need to get a lot better at reading non-verbal cues. Yes, it's work, but if women can learn to do it (usually as a neccessity for survival), you can too.


Will make repeated eye-contact.
Will smile when you make eye-contact.
Will make space for you when you come over.
Will speak to you in full sentences.
Will laugh.  A lot.
May gently touch you on the shoulder or the arm.
Will ask for your number.


Will not make eye-contact unless forced to.
Will smile without showing her teeth, and have anxious eyes.
Will respond with one-word answers or non-verbal movements. 
Will turn her body away from you.
Will never laugh, or will only laugh nervously.
Will constantly search the room for escape routes.
Will not accept a drink.
Will cringe if you touch her.
Will give you a fake phone number to make you leave her alone.
Will avoid you for the rest of the night.

If a woman is not interested, there is nothing you can do to make her interested.  Forcing her, tricking her, or incapacitating her (with alcohol or drugs) into "sex" is rape.  You are a rapist if you think this is a good way to make women have sex with you.

If a woman is interested, she might be open to the idea of sex, or she might have other plans, but if you are cool either way, she will be more likely to approach you again.  You can take the time to get to know her, and maybe you'll have sex, maybe you'll become friends, or maybe you'll have a relationship.  Any way you slice it, you win, because you now have made contact with another human being! ***

See?  It's easy! 

*With proof of purchase and three rejection letters from certified real women.  Refusing to follow the instructions in this package constitutes void of contract.  Writing bitter screeds about how women are all evil pussy-rationing whores constitutes void of contract, and guarantees a long, bitter lonely life.  Resorting to PUA tactics constitutes willing rejection of all humanity and negates all rights to be taken seriously.

**Do not misinterpret this as meaning women don't like sex - most of them do, very much, but they're shy about showing it to strangers, because our society has a pernicious habit of slut-shaming any woman who is open about her sexuality. 

***If you think you need sex so badly that making contact with another human being in a manner that might lead to sex someday but not tonight is not enough, for God's sake, take matters into your own hands and self-gratify.  No-one owes you sex.


Aug. 12th, 2009 05:16 pm (UTC)
just as a guy shouldn't go to a strip club to find someone of wife material, a woman would be wise NOT to go into a bar to find her future husband.

I wish my best friend would learn this lesson. She's still looking in the wrong places, and doesn't understand why she cannot meet a decent guy.
Aug. 12th, 2009 07:09 pm (UTC)
I wish some of my friends would twig to this notion! I don't go to bars because: A., I don't actually enjoy them in this town where they are the quintessence of attack-laurel's essay: for people looking to get blitzed and grab a POA; B., because these are not places to meet interesting PEOPLE (see reason A.)
But they still give me that advice: "Go have a drink at the bar two blocks away. You'll meet someone."
No thanks. Odds are that wouldn't be someone I'd enjoy meeting.
(Deleted comment)
Aug. 12th, 2009 10:19 pm (UTC)
YES!! When I accepted that I might be single my whole life, I decided I had a choice. Sit at home and be the bitter old woman who keeps cats and wonders why Prince Charming never found her and assumes she's worthless without a man, or live a life wherein I explored activities that interested and entertained me. If I never met the love of my life, I would still have a life full of WIN. I hoped I'd meet the love of my life because I wanted that in ADDITION to a life full of WIN. And I'd be a hell of a lot more likely to meet TLOML through activities that we both liked. Hello.

And as soon as I made peace with myself, that I could be happy just by myself, that I could have a life full of WIN by my own making ... BOOM! There was the LOML, who I met through our common activity. Go figure.

I don't go to bars because:
-- they are dark and I can't see what's going on
-- they are loud and I can't hear what's going on
-- I don't drink, and the amusement & superiority factors of observing loud drunk people behaving like idiots wears thin after a while.
Aug. 12th, 2009 10:34 pm (UTC)
I'm happily single.
Very few people seem to get that.
I'm not seeking a soul mate.
And only a very few people seem to get *that,* as well.

So they continue dispensing, unasked, the same tired old advice to "help" a situation I feel requires no correcting.

I was just trying to say I agree: if you're looking for a soul-mate, or even someone to *date,* a bar isn't the place to look for that person.
(Deleted comment)
Aug. 13th, 2009 02:01 am (UTC)
"While we know your friends mean well...we would be most distressed to think that they just wanted you to be as miserable as they are;-)"
As Judith Martin (Miss Manners) be most distressed?

"The single state is just not supported in any culture, sorry and good luck."

Sure it is: the Roman Catholic Church supports celebacy for its priests, monks and religious and it *insists* that they be single while engaged in those callings. (And it *is* a culture, cutting across and incorporated by numerous other [ethnic] cultures.) While some of the laity and even those within said vocations disagree, there remains a sizable portion of the Church's collective congregation who continue ardently to endorse both unmarriedness and celibacy.
Iirc, several other religious callings, e.g., Buddhist monks, require "singledom" of those with vocations to them.

I agree it is human nature to want our friends and family to be happy; it's human nature to want to "fix" situations, to want to be helpful, and to perceive situations and solutions in terms of oneself.
They dispense tired old advice and I continue to ignore it, as I disregard most such advice in these matters.
I don't see any need for you (or anyone!) to be sorry, and as to luck, I agree with American football coach Vince Lombardi: you make your [own] luck.
Thanks for the good intentions, though! :D

(Deleted comment)
Aug. 13th, 2009 10:12 am (UTC)
"If you want to continue, we should probably quit hijacking the nice attack_Laurel's thread and go private;-)"

Aug. 26th, 2009 09:08 am (UTC)
(couple weeks later) I'm the same... I'm not only asexual, which is hard enough to explain, though they do have an asexual character on our national soap now. Except he stills wants the love of his life and got married etc. And I don't want that. I don't want any kind of romantic or sexual relationship. I'm more likely to try to want to explain that to people than to let them think I'll take it if it comes along, possibly because the asexual thing means that conversations about how hot guys are bore me to tears (and I think women are prettier anyway), and also because, well, I should be able to tell my friends what I want and have them accept that.

My sister gets it - she says when she gets her own place she wants me to rent a room from her and we can be spinsters. XD My bunny darling is the only man I have room for in my life.
Aug. 13th, 2009 09:13 pm (UTC)
What do you suggest if the things I enjoy doing are usually solo activities? I really don't like any group activities, so meeting new people doesn't happen often for me. I would like a romantic relationship, but I don't want to force myself into situations I'd hate on the off chance I run into an interesting guy.
Aug. 16th, 2009 05:12 pm (UTC)
Meh... I wish my roommate (guy) would read this post and stop trying to tell me to go out to bars.

(Also, I wish he didn't actually subscribe to the fucking "game" as a legitimate way to meet someone for a long term relationship... but at least he's had a girlfriend for the last 6+ months so I haven't had to secretly hate both him and the girls who were dumb enough to fall for it.)

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