attack_laurel (attack_laurel) wrote,


So, Mercedes-Benz has come out with a car that does most of the driving for you. It stops driving if you get distracted, if warns you if you start falling alseep, it warns you if you drift out of your lane, and automatically dims the headlights if another car approaches, among other things.

I saw an ad for it on TV last night (which, coincidentally, is as close as I'm ever going to get to owning one of the things).  The base price has not yet been released, as far as I could tell with half-hearted googling, but I know it's more than I can pay.  The first thing that went through my head was "cool!  A car for crappy drivers!".  The next thought was "I don't want people that stupid driving next to me", and the last thought was "this car is not sufficiently outrageous - rich people need even more stuff to emphasize the great divide between them and everyone else". 

Y'know - just to rub it in our faces that the super-rich didn't lose a damn thing in the recession.  I really can't think of another good reason for Mercedes to come out with a luxury car at this time.

And if, as I suspect, their reasoning is that rich people enjoy pointing out how much better they have it than everyone else, then I don't think they went far enough.

I mean, sure, heated seats that massage you as you drive, then wake you up when you fall asleep from being too relaxed, and an automatic braking system that stops the car if you reach for a soda out of the cooler in the back while talking on your bluetooth, changing your iPod playlist and folding your laundry seems cool (except for the resultant traffic jam if you're doing the aforementioned activities in the middle of the highway), but is it really luxurious enough for today's rich?  After all, anyone can get a car that parallel-parks itself, but the truly elite need things that set them apart from the hoi-polloi by their sheer waste of valuable resources.  Elephant-hide seats, for instance.  Or an entire elephant in the back, for the kids.

No, if I was rich, and therefore precious and special, I'd want a car that will automatically fold my laundry[1] so I don't have to wait for the maid to do it.  It should also be able to pick up my dry-cleaning and stop by the liquor store to pick up a fifth of really expensive Scotch when I've had a hard day leveraging diamond-studded chiuhuahua options, or whatever it is rich people do[2].

How will it know when I've had a hard day?  It should be able to read my mind, of course.  Therefore, I introduce to you the Mercedes 2015 ESP Class!

Think about it - psychic cars are really the only kind of car suitable for the cream of society, the people that spend their summers at a privately owned island off the Hamptons (the Hamptons are not exclusive enough, for God's sake[3]), Christmas skiing in Gstaad, and the rest of the year in Paris and Manhattan[4].  The new Mercedes ESP Class is going to be the future of transportation, mark my words.

Some of the highlights of the new Mercedes ESP will include:

*Remembers all your appointments, and makes sure that your spouse doesn't see the ones that involve your lover!

*Puts you "on the list" of all the most exclusive clubs - VIP section, of course.

*Automatically packs all the things you need for whatever you're doing that day - including the activities you haven't thought of yet!

*New patented Wall of Silence[TM] technology lets you take the kids to school without having to listen to them - look like you're a caring parent without all the hassle of actually interacting with your offspring![5]

Runs all the errands your pain-in-the-ass spouse makes you do while you're playing tennis or golf - remember, if you finish the game early because of rain, the ESP will know, and be waiting for you with a towel and a hair stylist![6]

Keeps a running database of all the coolest and most expensive shops so that you're never seen shopping somewhere ordinary people might go. [7]

Rich people have a burden the rest of the world will never know - the agony of nothing left for them to buy[8] .  Until the Mercedes ESP is available, I guess a car that does all their driving for them will have to alleviate their pain.
For a little while. 

I guess

[1] I saw a person in rush hour (but moving) traffic on the Beltway carefully folding their laundry as they drove.  This was only slightly less terrifying than the person driving at full speed reading the newspaper.

[2] Pffft.  Like I'd know.

[3] Barbara Walters has a house there.  How exclusive can it be?

[4] Beverly Hills is so last century.

[5] Inflatable Parent[TM] available in upgrade - will also attend PTA meetings for you.

[6] The ESP 2020 will have optional rain-averting technology - send that rain somewhere else, like the Mississipi flood plains, where no-one will care, since they're all poor people, anyway.

[7] Thereby avoiding the near occasion of poor people cooties.

[8] Spending money on worthy causes is for nerds.
Tags: humour

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