Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

An open letter to my physical being...

Dear Sinuses,

What the fuck?  The front has moved, the weather is actually pretty nice, and you've decided to fill up with stuff the consistency of cement?  I am not pleased, and am considering beating you with a q-tip.  Fortunately for you, we had DayQuil with pseudoephedrine in the house, because that wimpy stuff you can buy without being recorded by The Man doesn't beat you hard enough.  With a stick.

No love,


Dear Arms and Hands,

Yes, I know I used you to get ice and snow off both cars, but really, why the sulking now?  I can't work the mouse, I can't hold a book, and I can't do my left-handed crosswords without you screaming, even through extra painkillers (which I really can't afford to give you this month, as I will run out two days before I see my doctor again)*.  Give it up, and succumb to the analgesic and anti-inflammatory pads I'm slapping all over you.

*No worries, I keep a back-up stash for situations like these.

Deep hatred,


Dear Lower Back,

Oh, come on.  I've never had any problems with you ever*, and now you decide that hurting so bad in the morning that I can't turn over without yelping is a good idea?  Get over yourself - I already prop everyone up with massive number of pillows - if I get any more, Bob won't fit in the bed.



*Except for that time with the brick, but that was kind of funny in retrospect.**

Dear Right Knee,

Knock it the fuck off.  You hurt all the time now.  I know you got bent in a bad way that time when I was fencing years ago***, but please resrtict yourself to hurting when the weather changes, and not every time I curl up on the sofa.  I sew using you to hold up my work, and it's getting annoying.  It's bad enough that I can't kneel in court any more because of a combination of you and the risk of me falling (bad for the hands), but interfering with my sewing is too much.

Fuck off and behave,


Dear Face,

I see the extremely expensive face stuff I have been using on you is making you soft and nice-looking.  Keep up the good work. 


Dear Feet,

Yes, I fractured one of you, toes - it was an accident (the hammer bounced).  Get over it, and stop cramping in revenge.  I'm drinking tons of liquids, I'm excercising you, and I'm staying (mostly) out of the 3" heels (this last weekend being an exception, but I was visiting friends, and they're awesome shoes).  KNOCK IT OFF.

Die in a fire,


**The back story (ha, ha):  We were down at the farm - this was years ago - and I was pulling old bricks out from behind the old garage to edge my flower beds.  Bob was on the riding mower we had then, and cruising around every now and then, and all was peaceful (it was a gorgeous spring day).  I bent over to get a brick, and I swear, there was an audible pop in my back, and all of a sudden, I couldn't move.  I sort of fell over into the grass, and waited for Bob to come around on the mower.  As he did, I sort of weakly raised my arm and waved, and he waved back and disappeared again.

I thought "Oh, crap.  He doesn't realize anything's wrong.  I'm going to have to wait here for a bit".  I lay back, preparing to feel super ultra sorry for myself.  All of a sudden, he comes running over, picks me up, helps me into the house and onto the sofa, and fusses over me to the point that I was thoroughly ashamed of my "pity me!" moment in the grass.  He told me later, "I thought to myself - 'oh, she's just taking a rest'.  Then I realized, why would she be taking a rest right there behind the garage?  I went 'oh, crap', and came and found you". 

I love the idea that he thought I was taking a rest.  In retrospect, I find it hysterically funny, though it hurt a bit at the time.  Anyway, I haven't ever had any problems with my back since then (unlike my frikkin' knee), so this pain thing is a bit of a surprise.

***The knee story:  I was fencing in a two-man team wth Bob years ago (we make an awesome team), and an idiot fencer threw himself at me, completely uncontrolled, on his knees.  I sidestepped, and put my foot on some slippery leaves, and boom, went down, yelping.  Bob was somewhat pissed about this, but took out stupid guy, and then the other guy, who had nothing to do with stupid guy.  I'll let Bob tell the rest of the story if he ever wants to, but he is my hero for not only protecting me, but doing the right thing.  I have since managed to land badly on the knee in fencing several times, but it doesn't stop me - unlike my frikkin' arms.****



( 17 brains — Leave a chunk of brain! )
Jan. 30th, 2009 04:02 pm (UTC)
Maybe there's another cold front coming and it's bringing aches and pains along with it. It almost sounds like one of those situations where the barometric pressure changes and every part of your body that has ever been injured, ever, starts aching. Maybe you can predict storms!

Hope you feel better soon!

Edited at 2009-01-30 04:16 pm (UTC)
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 30th, 2009 05:32 pm (UTC)
No, it really was funny - "oh, she's taking a rest... in the grass... by the garage... oh, fuck". :)
Jan. 30th, 2009 06:56 pm (UTC)
Heh heh . . .

When I had Mono, there was a moment when I desperately needed Sweetienookums to come and help me, but I was too weak to yell for him, so I just laid there and beamed psychic mind-rays in his general direction. I remember thinking, 'this would e entertaining if I had the energy to care.'

I'm glad he went and helped you!
Jan. 30th, 2009 07:02 pm (UTC)
I remember beaming mind rays at my husband one time while I was sick in bed and REALLY needed a drink...then I remebered he's thick as a rock and I could be there a while, hahahahah

Thanks for the memory!
Jan. 30th, 2009 04:12 pm (UTC)
I hope you body gets the message. High five to the face! And I think there's a sinus strike going on at the moment...
Jan. 30th, 2009 04:45 pm (UTC)
Before I started fencing I had ankle surgery due to an unfortunate night of disco skating. As a result, I'm always SUPER paranoid about my ankle getting messed up again, so I'm always worrying about it when I fence (or walk down icy stairs, or just about anything else). Then, last week, I turned my GOOD ankle on a curb and went down. I was severely pissed off, but it fortunately it was just stiff for a day or so.

Hope you feel better!
Jan. 30th, 2009 05:04 pm (UTC)

*Face smirks smuggly at the other body parts, secure in the knowledge that it is a GOOD kid. Also, it being the face, it has expressions at its disposal*
Jan. 30th, 2009 05:05 pm (UTC)
Now, if it had been ME - my husband would have taken at least 20-30 minutes for the "why would she be resting behind the garage?" part to filter through.
Jan. 30th, 2009 05:06 pm (UTC)
I totally agree about the sinuses- my allergies (dust and mold) have been pretty much constant all winter and lately I can't even go a few hours without having to blow my nose again (which of course makes me have a tiny nosebleed each time, sigh).
Jan. 30th, 2009 05:11 pm (UTC)
oh..my...I might have to write a letter too...but my biggest complaint is...WHY AM I SO COLD???? Its 65 F in the house...I should be warm.

Oh, I know the back thing...I bent down to turn on the shower and the lower half of my body fell off (not literally but that is how it felt) and the boyfriend (now hubby) found me hours later naked on the hallway floor that I had dragged myself to from the bath. Yeah, I was special for a couple of weeks.

Edited at 2009-01-30 05:19 pm (UTC)
Jan. 30th, 2009 05:28 pm (UTC)
Knee Stuff
I am certainly no expert on knee stuff, but if you haven't already you might want to get it specifically looked at.

I dislocated my knee and snapped my ACL at Pennsic this year, and though I do armored fighting it isn't as if I was tackled. I just slipped and fell strangely. The first two diagnosis (diagnosies?) were that it was a torn meniscus because the swelling kept my knee relatively immobile, which for the most part isn't as bad as it actually turned out to be. I went on with my usual daily life and once the swelling went down my knee was free to dislocate, which it did. I'd fall and curl up in a ball for a little while, but once I straightened it things would be back to normal. I have since gotten it fixed so I wont have to deal with that anymore, which is wonderful so far.

Basically what I'm trying to get at is that my knee deceived my doctor at first and knees in general are worth a second thought.
Jan. 30th, 2009 05:34 pm (UTC)
Re: Knee Stuff
Unfortunately, mine is just osteoarthritis - I'm atarting to get it in my hands, too - it's just overwork, and, I guess, another front coming through. :)

But thanks for the advice; I appreciate it. :)
Jan. 30th, 2009 05:50 pm (UTC)
does the letter writing help? I mean do any of the wayward and naughty body parts actually listen??? If it does let me know because I am making a list for my own body which has many parts not behaving.

In the mean time I wish you get better!!

Jan. 30th, 2009 06:04 pm (UTC)
I don't know, but it makes my brain feel like it's doing something. :)
Jan. 30th, 2009 07:00 pm (UTC)
Teehee...you are a shining ray of sunshine this morning (evil grin).
I really hope you feel better (no sarcasm).
Jan. 30th, 2009 11:10 pm (UTC)
Aw, you poor thing! Working on the farm seems to be good for the soul but slightly hazardous to the body. ;)

I hope you feel better and can convince the rest of your body to start working together and stop protesting quite so loudly!
Jan. 31st, 2009 01:27 am (UTC)
I read the Back story and my head was thinking "farm". Then read the Knee story and wondered why a guy was throwing himself at you while you were building a fence!!

( 17 brains — Leave a chunk of brain! )

Latest Month

April 2017


Powered by LiveJournal.com