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Look! More fluff!

Ummmmmumhummmhumhummmm...  Yeah.

I'm still at home, since 5am roads and freezing rain didn't really appeal (and in all honesty, I watched the weather report at 11pm last night, and called in and left a message for my boss not to expect me today).  It's pretty outside, in that ice-covers-everything-in-silver kind of way, and since I've filled both suet feeders and put out a ton of hulled sunflower seed, there are masses of birds braving the freezing mist and snorking down on my balcony.  Pretty, they are - espeially the Juncos, who look like they've been dipped head-first into a gallon of black paint.

I don't know, though... I got nothin' witty in my brainmeats.

I can't even think of 25 things about me for that meme that's slowly making the rounds.  I can think of seven, tops.  Anyway, I'm usually pretty open about most of my life here, and I'm keeping private the things you don't know, so the list would have nothing new on it.

My blogs/journals/diaries have been rather useful over the years for getting out the inner workings of my mind and emotions so that people can see that I'm not the ice princess I appear to be (particularly to people who decided I was awful without even knowing me, and told other people that they needed to hate me too), I'm just reserved, as is typical for English people.  Once you get to know me, you realize that far from being cold and judgemental, I'm passionate about things both good and bad, and I have a saviour complex, so I'm much more likely to smack the assholes than join them.

I've had some pretty tough experiences caused by people heaping their insecurities and assumptions on me, so I use my journal whenever I can to get the real me out there - the one that loves teaching, likes people in general, and doesn't hate anyone (but, admittedly, doesn't trust some people as far as I can throw them).  For some reason, people find me terribly intimidating, but my journal seems to diffuse some of that, so I've been pretty open about my personal and SCA experiences (while trying to avoid mentioning specific names and situations). 

I simply want people to know that I have emotions, I can be terribly hurt... and that I am slightly deaf in crowds, so you have to get in front of me and wave vigorously to get my attention sometimes, so please dont assume I'm ignoring you or are angry with you.  That, and you can come up and say hi - if I'm having a really private conversation, I usually try and have it in a private space.  If I'm just chatting in a big hall, even if I look busy, I don't mind interruptions - I'm usually just nattering away with someone.

I really don't know what to do with people who think I really am the attack laurel - once people get an idea in their head, it's terriby hard to change.  Of course, I wish they didn't hate me based on an assumption that's completely untrue, but there's not really much I can do about it.  Heck, I have people in this kingdom who tell the most ridiculous lies about me to bolster their self-esteem - I sometimes let it get to me, but these days, I mostly just sigh and let it go.  I can control myself, but I cannot control others.  It's just frustrating when they scare away people who would actually like me from even saying hello (I have a friend who was afraid to talk to me for ages because someone told her I was a complete bitch).  That's frustrating, because even though I'm pretty introverted (no, really.  Stop laughing, dammit!), I really like talking to people, especially about making stuff.

It's been actually quite hard to reach even this level of acceptance about people who hate me for whatever reason - I grew up with the idea that unless everyone liked me, I was doing something terribly wrong.  If someone hated me, then it was my fault, the reasoning went, and that unfortunately screwed me up for quite a while.  I eventually came to grips with the idea (thanks to Bob) that I don't have to be liked by everyone - I don't like everyone, so why should anyone else be any different?  Sometimes it's chemistry, sometimes it's insecurity, sometimes it's competition, or the need to devalue other people to make oneself look better.  But mostly, it's not my fault.  And their approval is not neccessary to my sense of well-being (which has been a good damn thing at certain points in my life).  I've shed a lot of tears, and I still revisit the issues to analyze them further using new information, but for the most part, I am at peace with it. 

Um, yeah.  See what happens when I don't have a post planned?  I'm going to put away my laundry now.


Jan. 28th, 2009 05:06 pm (UTC)
Awww, thanks! I enjoyed it, too. ...though I have a tendency to talk too much. :)

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