A Happy Generic Holiday Season's Greeting to all our customers!
As your Friendly Local Bank, you know that we have happily held on to your
Start spending. Yes, that's right, start spending. If you have money in a savings account, you're stealing bread from the mouths of America
(Hint: Most full-size trucks will fit a Queen-sized air mattress in the back; put up curtains, and ta-dah! You now have a one-bedroom dwelling!)
Heck, buy a second car. I hear they have some great deals going on these days, since the Big Three automakers are feeling really
(Helpful Hint: Avoid towing by moving your car to a different parking lot every few days! And while you're moving it, why not use your credit card to buy a cup of coffee?)
If you have money, you can spend it. You should spend it. You need to spend it. Forget paying rent; it doesn't boost the economy, and it's downright UnAmerican to spend your Government's
(Helpful Hint: You don't need a penny - or even good credit - to get credit cards. Be sure to have at least ten or eleven in your wallet at all times!)
Lost your house? No problem! You can still get credit card offers in the mail. Change your address to a PO box so that we, your Friendly Local Bank, can be sure that you will receive the ten Platinum credit card offers we will be sending you this week. Remember: As long as the credit card isn't being declined, it can still be used (better hurry, though).
(Helpful Hint: If you don't have a fridge to keep groceries in, use your credit card for purchasing fast food to feed your family!)
(Helpful Hint: If you can't get a credit card of your own, apply for one in your neighbour's name; get the credit card offer from their mailbox. If they're not using their credit, they don't deserve to have it.)
We, your Friendly Local Bank, have always had your best interests at heart. And we have always given you
(Helpful Hint: Good News! Being in prison can cut your living expenses substantially! Why not use that extra cash to buy drugs for all the other inmates?)
We, your
(Helpful Hint: Avoid those annoying and scary collections calls by being homeless!)
*Not really. Everyone's been kind of depressed lately, though, so I thought I'd give y'all a laugh while pushing you completely over the edge. Note: This post was inspired by a conversation between Bob and me.
