attack_laurel (attack_laurel) wrote,

A Message From Your Friendly Local Bank*

A Happy Generic Holiday Season's Greeting to all our customers!

As your Friendly Local Bank, you know that we have happily held on to your pitiful bank accounts all these years, provided disappointingly small loans at usurious low interest rates, and provided you with access to credit cards from all major credit companies.  During this difficult time, you know that you can rely on us to take the Government's money and run stand by you.  But, Dear Customers, there is something you can do to help the country recover from this recession.

Start spending.  Yes, that's right, start spending.  If you have money in a savings account, you're stealing bread from the mouths of American corporations!  We don't want to hear any mealy-mouthed excuses like "I just got laid off", or "My house has been foreclosed"; even if you're living out of your car, you can still decorate with new auto accessories!

(Hint:  Most full-size trucks will fit a Queen-sized air mattress in the back; put up curtains, and ta-dah!  You now have a one-bedroom dwelling!)

Heck, buy a second car.  I hear they have some great deals going on these days, since the Big Three automakers are feeling really desperate generous this holiday season!  You can park the second car in a free parking lot on the Atlantic City Boardwalk, and voila!  Oceanfront property! 

(Helpful Hint:  Avoid towing by moving your car to a different parking lot every few days!  And while you're moving it, why not use your credit card to buy a cup of coffee?)

If you have money, you can spend it.  You should spend it.  You need to spend it.  Forget paying rent;  it doesn't boost the economy, and it's downright UnAmerican to spend your Government's insultingly small  tax rebate on paying off bills!   And, if you have a credit card, run it up to the limit - it's the holidays, so you should spend, spend, spend!

(Helpful Hint:  You don't need a penny - or even good credit - to get credit cards.  Be sure to have at least ten or eleven in your wallet at all times!)

Lost your house?  No problem!  You can still get credit card offers in the mail.  Change your address to a PO box so that we, your Friendly Local Bank, can be sure that you will receive the ten Platinum credit card offers we will be sending you this week.  Remember:  As long as the credit card isn't being declined, it can still be used (better hurry, though).

(Helpful Hint:  If you don't have a fridge to keep groceries in, use your credit card for purchasing fast food to feed your family!)

(Helpful Hint:  If you can't get a credit card of your own, apply for one in your neighbour's name; get the credit card offer from their mailbox.  If they're not using their credit, they don't deserve to have it.)

We, your Friendly Local Bank, have always had your best interests at heart.  And we have always given you self-serving good advice, haven't we?  So you should listen to us now when we tell you that your out of control spending habit is America's salvation.  A ballooning credit card debt that you have no hope of ever paying off is the best gift you can give this holiday.

(Helpful Hint:  Good News!  Being in prison can cut your living expenses substantially!  Why not use that extra cash to buy drugs for all the other inmates?)

We, your Overseas Local Bank, thank you.

(Helpful Hint:  Avoid those annoying and scary collections calls by being homeless!)

*Not really.  Everyone's been kind of depressed lately, though, so I thought I'd give y'all a laugh while pushing you completely over the edge.  Note:  This post was inspired by a conversation between Bob and me.
Tags: humour
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