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Everything I needed to know about sand...

 I am busy (as always), but also rather angsty and lonely since I am back here while Bob is at the farm for the week.  Yes, I go back Wednesday, but I have Monday and Tuesday on my own, and I'm not in the mood for it right now, especially since it was so lovely at the farm.

I'm not doing the 3, no 5, no, wait, was it umpty-noodles, but anyway, it's all about things you haven't done, and I have, nyah meme (no insult intended to anyone who did), since there is a bunch of stuff (uh, nyah?), but I'll write about them when I'm in the mood, and I prefer full-blown stories to sentences.  

So, I guess I'm perpetuating a bigger nyah, since I haz storeez!  All about meeeeeeeeeee!

I want to go dancing sometime.  I feel like I'm in a constant rut of same-old, same-old, and I'd like to go dancing to de-stress. 

And that's kind of it, so I'm posting something from my old diary that never made it to the web site:

Originally posted on Diaryland, 2005-01-31 - 3:12 p.m.

Okay - so Bob and I were watching Robin Hood: Prince of (American-accented) 

(...where everyone else has these extraordinary cockney accents, even though it's supposed to be the 12th century in Sherwood, and cockney is an 18th century London accent, but who am I to argue)

(...and, you know, Sherwood is in the north bit of the middle of England, so everyone should have accents more like the characters in The Full Monty)

(...and don't get me started on the clothes) Thieves.[end title]

(Um, yes.)

(Anyway.)

So, we're watching a Kevin Costner movie (there wasn't much on, obviously)*, and it gets to the scene where the villagers (led by Christian Slater, and Lord knows, he has not exactly got an English accent either) all converge on Robin and his Merry Men Apparently Imported From 19th Century London, fully intending to beat the snot out of him.

(An action I thoroughly approved of the first time I saw this movie, by the way.)

Well, then Robin Costner calms them all down with a speech about uniting to face a common enemy, and blah blah blah (ETA:  Platitudecakes), and it's supposed to be all deep and meaningful, but comes off trite and hackneyed because The Postman of Thieves really can't muster any facial emotion more compelling than "slightly worried that they will be out of poppyseed bagels at the snack table, and he's going to have to eat garlic bagels again, and Mary Elizabeth Mastroantonio is going to make faces at him again during the romantic stuff".

You know the scene.

He ends his rather bland little speech, and says "The Crusades taught me that".

I looked at Bob, and he looked at me.

"Everything I need to know..." I sez.

"...I learned from the Crusades", sez Bob.

Well - who can resist a challenge like that?

(You knew the answer to that one, admit it. Confess, confess!)

Forthwith:

Everything I Need to Know I learned From the Crusades, by Robert and Laura Mellin 
(authors of such inspirational tomes as Dinty Moore for the Stick-Jock's Soul and More Dinty Moore for the Stick-Jock's Long-suffering Girlfriend's Soul, available nowhere near you)

1. Always wear sunscreen.
2. Pillage, then burn.
3. Kill! Kill them all!
4. Pillage churches with lots of gold, not schoolhouses with lots of kids.
5. Camels last longer than horses.
6. But they spit a lot.
7. No, a LOT.
8. Sand gets everywhere.
9. They may be Infidels, but man, those swords are pointy.
10. You can get more with a kind word and a rampaging horde than you can with just a kind word.
11. Sand? Bloody everywhere. I mean it.
12. Su casa es mi casa, and don't you forget it, bucko.
13. Children do not make good Crusaders (they're too short to wear the tabards).
14. Support your local Templars (Hospitallers, armed peasants intent on revenge, misguided Popes, etc.).
15. If Henry VIII had gone on a Crusade, Anne Boleyn might be alive today.
16. But probably not.
17. Watch out for that sand!
18. Don't leave your helmet in the sun.
19. Dammit, Henri, your flea-bitten camel spit in my ale again!
20. I mean it about the sunscreen.


*Don't get me on the Costner-hating; I know a lot of people like him, but he sets my teeth on edge.  I vaguely liked him in Bull Durham, but that's about it - for me, he has all the acting range of a gate-post.)

Comments

( 45 brains — Leave a chunk of brain! )
kass_rants
Jun. 30th, 2008 02:56 pm (UTC)
Tee hee hee hee hee! That's precious.

Empathy on YourBob being away. MyBob was at a radio thing all weekend. I were loneleeeeee.

I would just like to state for the record that *I* have stories too. Fabulous stories. But you have to hear them in person. They aren't nearly as good without the outrageous hand gestures (I'm half Italian after all...). And that makes me more speshul than you. Nyah!!! ;)
attack_laurel
Jun. 30th, 2008 03:06 pm (UTC)
He. I have the traditional British reserve, but my words on the page slice like a super sharp blade. A blade I tell you!!! :)
(no subject) - kass_rants - Jun. 30th, 2008 03:08 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - firehauke - Jun. 30th, 2008 03:18 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - kass_rants - Jun. 30th, 2008 03:19 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - ciorstan - Jun. 30th, 2008 03:40 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - kass_rants - Jun. 30th, 2008 03:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - maricelt - Jun. 30th, 2008 03:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - kass_rants - Jun. 30th, 2008 03:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - ciorstan - Jun. 30th, 2008 04:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - kass_rants - Jun. 30th, 2008 04:37 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - ciorstan - Jun. 30th, 2008 04:40 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - kass_rants - Jun. 30th, 2008 04:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - firehauke - Jun. 30th, 2008 05:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
reasdream
Jun. 30th, 2008 03:04 pm (UTC)
That movie only bears watching for Alan Rickman. I intend to find a deeply discounted copy and just fast forward through all the bits he's not in.

...Would crusaders have learned anything about sexie wimmins?
attack_laurel
Jun. 30th, 2008 03:08 pm (UTC)
The sexie wimminz would have been in Italy, before setting sail, I guess. The Middle East is traditionally somewhat reserved in its display of teh wimminz, and I doubt your average crusader could afford teh sexingz.

But I didn't learn that from the Crusades. 8)
(no subject) - acanthusleaf - Jun. 30th, 2008 06:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - newperspectives - Jul. 1st, 2008 05:55 am (UTC) - Expand
lisettelaroux
Jun. 30th, 2008 03:09 pm (UTC)
Dancing
Friday July 11th?
attack_laurel
Jun. 30th, 2008 03:29 pm (UTC)
Re: Dancing
That might work. Orpheus? I can put out a general invite.
Re: Dancing - lisettelaroux - Jun. 30th, 2008 03:38 pm (UTC) - Expand
hugh_mannity
Jun. 30th, 2008 03:22 pm (UTC)
Don't pillage the bar at Damascus airport. They serve a great Gin & Tonic.

And you're quite correct about the sand.
attack_laurel
Jun. 30th, 2008 03:30 pm (UTC)
We get told (when doing care packages for soldiers) to avoid big bottles of shampoo, etc., because the sand gets in day one, and the bottle is ruined. Single-use items only. :)
(no subject) - hugh_mannity - Jun. 30th, 2008 03:36 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - kass_rants - Jun. 30th, 2008 03:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - attack_laurel - Jun. 30th, 2008 03:55 pm (UTC) - Expand
sydneysd6
Jun. 30th, 2008 04:04 pm (UTC)
but darling....why should we not get you started on the clothes?! I spent damn near the whole movie spluttering and choking as travesty after travesty of inaccuracy paraded itself across the screen posing as quasi medevil

and Kevin Costner couldn't act his way out of a wet paper bag ( much less find his own poop-hole) without a map, a flash light, a pick axe and 5 guys to lead him!

though to my mind...just as bad as his Robinhood is TIMELINE (insert cringe here)

you going to go to july Coronation?
vom_schwarzwald
Jun. 30th, 2008 05:09 pm (UTC)
What really drove home for me just how AWEFUL that film is, here we have Rickman, practically chewing up the set and screaming at Costner "I'm going to cut your heart out with a spoon" and Costner replies IN A DEAD, UNEMOTIONAL MONOTONE (ie. his usual acting) "to the end...then."

ack.
(no subject) - attack_laurel - Jul. 1st, 2008 09:43 am (UTC) - Expand
mstra_margarita
Jun. 30th, 2008 04:06 pm (UTC)
I remember seeing that movie when it first came out. When the villagers attacked my boyfriend of the time leaned in and said

"Look! It's the Tuchux attacking the Ewok Village!"
vom_schwarzwald
Jun. 30th, 2008 05:04 pm (UTC)
I LOVE YOUR USER ICON!
(no subject) - compass_rose - Jun. 30th, 2008 05:45 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
spranglady
Jun. 30th, 2008 04:32 pm (UTC)
I can't watch the current BBC Robin Hood entirely because of the clothes. I mean, they don't even TRY. The pilot episode had Marian wearing a hoodie. I have still not forgiven them for that. a HOODIE underneath a sideless!!!! And I know it was a hoodie, because a) it had a hood attached to the darn shirt, and b) I'd seen one exactly like it while at the mall earlier that day. I mean, glittery pink and everything. (yes, glittery)

I can listen to it, if I'm in the mood to be amused, but I can't watch it. So sad.
lanamarie_ren
Jun. 30th, 2008 04:47 pm (UTC)
I watch it to laugh at the clothes and entertain me while I am sewing. Robin Hood wears the same hoodie every week, and this week it looked like Marian was wearing camo army pants, with an underbust corset, and bright blue very tight shirt under the corset. You know, because she was supposed to be living in the forest...I can't even imagine where they get the ideas.
corbaegirl
Jun. 30th, 2008 04:35 pm (UTC)
The sheer horrible-ness of Prince of Dweebs made Mel Brooks' Men in Tights even that more fun when it came out. That's about all I can say in its favor, though.
eggies_red_dres
Jun. 30th, 2008 04:36 pm (UTC)
Kevin Costner most often stars as "himself".

I think the only *character* I ever saw him in was Silverado. The idea that acting like an ass on purpose seemed to sit well with him at least.

Way to have old stuff with continued relevance.
(Anonymous)
Jun. 30th, 2008 05:43 pm (UTC)
Your Crusade? I thought it was MY Crusade!
Dear Attack-Laurel,

MY Crusade is the one against the Hussites, 1420-1438.
1. Sunscreen? This is Northern Europe! Umbrellas, man!! Ponchos!!
2. God's knees! What's that camel doing here? (He's immortalized in the coat-of-arms of the town of Pilsen)
3. Get back here you cowards! Those hand-gonnes couldn't hit the broadside of a barn at this dist---
4. Sigismund don't get no respect. Two years' worth of shuttle-diplomacy on horseback through medieval Europe, forces the rival Popes to resign, ends the Great Schism, and they all say, "Yeah, but what's he done _lately?_"
5. You can get more with a kind word and a rampaging horde of Hussites than you can with just a kind word (see, the Hussites WON that Crusade.)

- Johannes
attack_laurel
Jul. 1st, 2008 09:51 am (UTC)
Re: Your Crusade? I thought it was MY Crusade!
1. Well, since Costner brought back an African (!) Saracen, I'm guessing he went somewhere with sand. :)

2. Clearly, Morgan Freeman retired to Pilsen with his camel, hence the town's heraldry. On Tuesdays he would walk it up and down the center of the road (watch for that open sewer!) for a little fresh air and pining for the (fjords) dunes.

4. Sigismund was the victim of a polling order, clearly.
8)
compass_rose
Jun. 30th, 2008 05:52 pm (UTC)
I find Costner positively painful to watch in any form. He is entirely unable to convey emotion and pretty much ruins every film he is in. He doesn't so much act as stand and recite lines as movies happen around him.

I also feel much the same way about Nicholas Cage. In my opinion, his best role played was a cameo in Grindhouse as Fu Manchu (segment "Werewolf Women of the SS"). Perfectly ridiculous ;)
devikat
Jun. 30th, 2008 05:55 pm (UTC)
Yes, but...but petticoats! Where are you lacing them to? Are the eyelets in the petticoat and the lacing hole srtrip in the bodies? What about lacing hole strip in the doublet? Or are the points sewn down/attached to one piece or the other?

I haven't played with points before! Arrg, I need to dig out the Arnold and stare at the men's pictures now...

(*hee hee* sorry - can you tell you guys have got me all hot and bothered over this new petticoat stuff...)
attack_laurel
Jul. 1st, 2008 09:55 am (UTC)
Well, lacing - I'm lacing them to lacing holes in the bodies, like the Pfaltzgrafina bodies. There is ample evidence that lacing points were used on women's doublets, even though we have no extant examples (according to J.A.); we have pictures and texts that write about the fashion. However, I'm pointing mine to the bodies (since I wear those all the time), using lacing holes on the petticoat waistband and the bodies - that way, I can switch out my limited number of points.

Since women's clothes often echo men's clothing, it's also possible that hidden lacing strips were used.

But, my camera is 150 miles away, so you must wait until next week for pictures. :)
(Deleted comment)
attack_laurel
Jul. 1st, 2008 09:56 am (UTC)
Sure. :)
taamar
Jun. 30th, 2008 06:56 pm (UTC)
That Movie is best watched in the spirit of Battlefield Earth... you know it's going to be bad, you think you know how bad, but you look forward to having your definitions of 'bad' stomped underfoot by people who have no idea you're laughing at them. It's better on narcotics.
( 45 brains — Leave a chunk of brain! )

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