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So, taking time out from my busy day yelling at people in their diaries, sneering at apprentices, and being generally evil, I see that there has been some discussion about proper judging practices at SCA events.  Some people have complained that the Laurels are not doing their job, and are either not saying anything at all, or are too harsh.

This whining cannot be allowed to continue. 

Why no-one thought to ask me for my opinion, I will never know, but now that I have your attention, here's how it's going to go down:

1.  Competition:

1.  Competitions exist so that SCAdians can find out how pathetically lacking their knowledge and/or (usually and) skills are.  If the judging forms do not leave them a shattered, weeping wreck, then the Laurels have clearly not done their job.  All Laurels that give anything over a 1 (or a 2 in exceptional circumstances, which never happens) score in any category will henceforth be on the Dean's Dishonour List.  Repeated offences can result in beatings, exposure to Sewer Apprentices, and possible banishment (from the Academy).

2.  "Judge's Discretion" points on any judging form are a pathetic joke - as if anyone in the SCA could even come close to earning any extra points on their entries!  Just draw a line through that section (or order your handy "DENIED" stamp from the Academy Store - now with extra-intimidating red ink!).  Any Laurel caught giving extra points in this section will be summarily demoted to judging children's entries only for a full year.

3.  Commentary shall be limited solely to what is wrong with the piece (and how the Laurel judging could do so much better).  Your goal is to find at least ten things wrong with every entry, and go into detail about their flaws.  If you are really stuck for ten separate things, then you may add in personal attacks on the entrant (i.e., "Your costuming makes me want to puke and laugh at the same time, and my apprentices have to do the Heimlich maneuver on me whenever you are in the same room as me, because I am choking on my own vomit at the sight of you").

 - 3a.  Novice entries require delineation of fifteen separate flaws, because they're new, so what could they possibly get right?

 - 3b.  Ditto for children.  In addition, particularly offensive children's entries (i.e., all of them) will be used as bonfire material for roasting marshmallows and misbehaving Sewer Apprentices.

2.  Display

1.  "Artisan" "displays" should also know the full force of your judging wrath - they may not be competing, but they sure as hell need your help (you owe it to them - as a Laurel - to let them know how much they suck).  Take the time to fill out their comment book - completely.  Leave no page unfilled in your quest to make sure they know as much as possible about what you think of their tragically flawed piece, and how you think it could be made better (i.e., "shred it", "burn it", "feed it to crazed weasels", or, in the case of fiber arts, "turn it into a cat toy for kittens on crack, because no-one in their right mind would ever want to wear this rubbish").  Remember, they asked for feedback - give it to them.  Give it to them hard.

 - 1a.  Spare books are available at the Academy Judge's sign-in table for "craftspeople" who do not have a comment book set out.  Feel free to take as many as you can fill out completely, but don't be greedy - other Laurels need those books, too!  Any unfilled books may be returned at the end of the day for partial demerit.

3.  Field Judging

1.  Free range judging can be done anywhere - the assumption from our viewpoint is that if they're wearing/using it, they're asking for it.  Don't wait for someone to request a critique - SCAdians are often too shy and awed by the Laurel magnificence to ask for help.  Be a real mentor and just walk right up and let them have it.

 - 1a.  Stripping the SCAdian down to their underwear is sometimes neccessary to assess their costuming skills.  If you need to do this, make sure you do it in a public and well-ventilated area, in case of body odors that might offend your delicate sensibilities.

 - 1b.  If the SCAdian is not huddled sobbing on the floor by the time you are done with your assessment of their skills, you have not impressed on them the importance of your advice.  Try to find a few more things to criticize.



Remember:  You are a Teacher.  Teach the little bastards who's boss.

Have a good semester, everyone!

The Dean
The Attack Laurel Academy - Making people cry so you don't have to

Comments

( 81 brains — Leave a chunk of brain! )
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kass_rants
Mar. 13th, 2008 01:44 pm (UTC)
Well, that was always my method when I used to judge. ;)
attack_laurel
Mar. 13th, 2008 01:49 pm (UTC)
Well, clearly, you're a charter member. You're probably one of my professors, too. 8P
(no subject) - kass_rants - Mar. 13th, 2008 01:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
hugh_mannity
Mar. 13th, 2008 01:46 pm (UTC)
Of course it's utterly unreasonable of me, a lowly apprentice, to have such ambitions, but I must admit (while cowering in the corner) that the Attack Laurel Academy has stirred in me a desire to become a laurel. I never realised making people cry could be so much fun.
attack_laurel
Mar. 13th, 2008 01:49 pm (UTC)
That is very twisted, but very amusing. :)
(no subject) - kass_rants - Mar. 13th, 2008 01:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - heatermcca - Mar. 13th, 2008 03:35 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - findlaech - Mar. 13th, 2008 06:07 pm (UTC) - Expand
isabelladangelo
Mar. 13th, 2008 01:52 pm (UTC)
If the judging forms do not leave them a shattered, weeping wreck, then the Laurels have clearly not done their job.

If I may humbly suggest, oh great and wonderful Oz...err...Dean, that the Laurels may have done their job (all be it poorly) if they leave the SCAdian (aka, me) in a complete and absolute state of confusion? Can it be that, sometimes, confusion may be a better weapon than shattered wrecks since, with confusion, they may come back for more punishment...err...suggestions? You can play with them longer too...like a cat and it's prey...


(Seriously though, I should have known better than to read this and drink my ginger ale at the same time. At least it wasn't the hot tea! Very amusing. :-D)
damedini
Mar. 13th, 2008 04:53 pm (UTC)
Ah, but confusion is cumulative, and in time we can have you reduced to a state of blithering incapacity. Seeing you unable to act or form rational thought is even better than weeping, because you can be Made To Serve!
(no subject) - isabelladangelo - Mar. 13th, 2008 08:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
vom_schwarzwald
Mar. 13th, 2008 01:57 pm (UTC)
Hmmm
I *might* fear you more than a leftie Knight...

:-)
belfebe
Mar. 13th, 2008 02:05 pm (UTC)
I am taking notes as I write this comment . . .
victoriapringle
Mar. 13th, 2008 02:11 pm (UTC)
I have this sudden strange desire to become a Laurel.
zarhooie
Mar. 13th, 2008 02:33 pm (UTC)
Me too... and I don't know how to do much of anything. Maybe if I get another peerage they'll let me transfer it?
(no subject) - victoriapringle - Mar. 13th, 2008 04:35 pm (UTC) - Expand
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nq3x
Mar. 13th, 2008 02:34 pm (UTC)
I\'ve always found that the word \"Bollocks!\", either written or forcibly shouted, encompasses any commentary I might make on some poor schlep\'s miserable attempt at anything. \"Bollocks!\" is efficient, concise, and entirely accurate 99.9367% of the time. (The other 0.0633% of the time, I\'m too gobsmacked at the sheer gall of the thing/person to constructively criticise.)

=D
kass_rants
Mar. 13th, 2008 02:52 pm (UTC)
FYI, this is MyBob[tm].
(no subject) - attack_laurel - Mar. 13th, 2008 03:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - maricelt - Mar. 13th, 2008 09:05 pm (UTC) - Expand
femkederoas
Mar. 13th, 2008 02:40 pm (UTC)
*snork* OK, that one needed a "norking through the nose" warning.

Though I have visions of it appearing on a local e-mail list with some tripe about "this is what the laurels really think" attached to it. ;-)

People with no sense of humor = Pests I could live without

If you ever come visit the Middle Kingdom, I think we'll need to have you hold Court of your own for a while. *snicker*
kass_rants
Mar. 13th, 2008 02:53 pm (UTC)
Though I have visions of it appearing on a local e-mail list with some tripe about "this is what the laurels really think" attached to it.

This actually happened on an email list I'm on a couple of months ago. I quickly ate their heads. *belch*
(no subject) - femkederoas - Mar. 13th, 2008 02:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - kass_rants - Mar. 13th, 2008 03:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
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acanthusleaf
Mar. 13th, 2008 02:46 pm (UTC)
Another brilliant lesson from the Academy.

The Academy now has symbols. The barbed-wire laurel wreath. In silver. They are very sharp. If someone hears my pleading and sends me a snail-mail address for the Dean, I will send her some of her very own. She gets some for free because it is her design. The email address I have for the Dean is bouncing, and I cannot get the computer turned on early enough to be one of the first posters.

laurie @ acanthusleaf . com

Edited at 2008-03-13 02:47 pm (UTC)
attack_laurel
Mar. 13th, 2008 03:07 pm (UTC)
Sent! Thanks! :)
OT - heatermcca - Mar. 13th, 2008 03:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: OT - attack_laurel - Mar. 13th, 2008 03:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
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lorebubeck
Mar. 13th, 2008 03:02 pm (UTC)
ROTFLMAO.

I LOVE YOU! (In an adoring, wish I could be her, but not in a creepy way, way)

=)
mastersantiago
Mar. 13th, 2008 03:05 pm (UTC)
[ahem]
[pose]
"But can't we all just get along?"

.... BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHA...
Damn I almost got through that with a straight face.......
aelfgyfu
Mar. 13th, 2008 03:24 pm (UTC)
Oh wow, so that is why I am once again only judging a children's entry at Kingdom A&S this weekend... ;-)

Thanks for giving me a good morning laugh!

ornerie
Mar. 13th, 2008 03:56 pm (UTC)
its funny how this appears right before our kingdom A/S this weekend, no?

;)
(no subject) - tudorlady - Mar. 13th, 2008 09:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - attack_laurel - Mar. 17th, 2008 10:22 am (UTC) - Expand
grnvixen
Mar. 13th, 2008 03:25 pm (UTC)
You mean I can have FUN being a Laurel?

When didn't anyone tell me about the Attack Laurel Academy years ago :).
attack_laurel
Mar. 13th, 2008 03:50 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - grnvixen - Mar. 13th, 2008 04:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
zihuatanejo
Mar. 13th, 2008 03:34 pm (UTC)
One day, some freshly-scarved scholar may come to me for advice on his fencing technique. I promise that I shall remember this lesson, make him cry, and then send him to find you for a second opinion :D
attack_laurel
Mar. 13th, 2008 03:51 pm (UTC)
Heh. Munchies!
(Deleted comment)
attack_laurel
Mar. 13th, 2008 04:57 pm (UTC)
Let's go clubbing! Wanna dance! Oh, yeah...
(no subject) - dorinda2212 - Mar. 13th, 2008 09:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
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( 81 brains — Leave a chunk of brain! )

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